This question has hit me in my mind, heart, and soul lately...what is my agenda? I have lived so much of my life on a selfish level, it's just plain stinky. I can honestly look back at my personal training days and see where my agenda was how can I get more clients or how can I benefit from this new system. Not just in my professional world did I warp everything to come back to me, but I have opened my eyes to so many times I asked people how they were doing and it wasn't out of the real reason of wanting to know. I know there were plenty of times of genuine concern, I am not that awful. But I am honest with myself, now. There were a lot of times I just needed something. My hidden agenda was ME. And don't even get me started on highschool days...geezle peezle.
The reason I think this question of "what is my agenda" has dominated my thoughts is I am really starting to study who Jesus was/is. I have been diving into the Book of Luke and reading and watching for what was so magnetically drawing to Him. How is it that one man could make so many people just up and leave the life they lived to follow him? And what was it that drew hundreds of thousands of sick people to him? His agenda. He had none but to LOVE. That's it. He didn't say you have to do this or that so I can love you. Or you need to change your lifestyle so you can walk with me. It was simply love. WHAT?! Love unconditional. No matter what you looked like or did.
Now here is where it is rocking me: where in my life, if I am a follower of Jesus, do I show this? PANG, into the depths of my soul. Who am I loving the way Jesus loved? Unconditionally. No fear. No holding back. In fact, Jesus tells us to give to the beggar on the side of the road and NOT question where the money is going. In fact, he tells us to give the man the clothes off your back. Well, that is just a little extreme, don't you think? No, not in Jesus' eyes. Agenda: NONE but L.O.V.E. Oh man, it is just so intense! How I long to have the agenda of just PURE LOVE. Make it so, Jesus. Make it so.
Monday, October 7, 2013
As I put together this little photo collection, I am getting choked up at how quickly it has gone. So many people in your life that LOVE you abundantly, my sweet Copey. You have always been strong willed from the moment you could flip yourself over on the changing table to change your diaper. I love your wild heart, your wild hair, and your wild love for all those around you. You are my sunshine. So glad you are mine.
It's been a year since I have asked for more. More of life, more of joy, more of Him. If He is who He says He is, there has to be more than this. Though I am still processing this year of searching and opening my eyes to a world that is far more crazy (in a good way) than I ever imagined, I feel it is time to write again. For so long, I would yearn to write something. It helps my soul to process. But not this past year. It was like my brain was in this hurricane of new epiphanies and knowledge, and I couldn't grasp any words to fully describe what I experienced. I am still on this incredible journey, and I am so thankful for the journey. Each day, I learn more. I learn more of who He is. Who I am. Chains are broken and strong walls of protection broken down in surrender to my Papa in Heaven's love. If I could sum up what I have taken in the past year it would be...
1. He is closer than my very own breath. That means, instead of talking to myself throughout the day, I talk to him, like I would my best friend. It's amazing what kind words comes back in my head instead of shameful or hurtful words.
2. Forgiveness in all people, including myself is HUGE and plays a huge role in our perspective and our health.
3. Worshipping is my battle ground. It is there where I lay it down and let Him who has created all things battle it out for me. Wars have been won! I walk FROM victory, not TO victory.
4. One morning in prayer, I heard as loud as if someone was talking to me in real life, "I am comfortable with the uncomfortable." There is a whole blog in itself, but this has made me aware of how many times I have avoided uncomfortable situations in all areas of my life. I am a peace keeper. And my natural tendency is avoiding conflict. Ah, but that is not where we as Christ followers are called. We are LOVE in the darkness...the darkness! We are not called to light in the light! Still processing this one...
5. Our words matter. My choice is words plays a big role! Just a few weeks ago, I had such a tie to anxiety. If my morning started to get chaotic, I would immediately think..oh geez, my life stinks! This is so hard! But through prayer and breakthrough, my Papa in Heaven rewrites the tablet of my heart with "I am with you always." "I am peace." It is there that I return my thoughts.
These are just a few things that I have learned and am still learning daily. I try not to compare myself to yesterday. It is a constant refining fire. But oh so sweet is the sound of His Grace. And don't get me wrong, it has been through many tears and discussions and talks with people young and old and some prayers met head on with the floor of my living room in desperation...
Friday, January 25, 2013
He asks each day, as if it's the one thing he has been waiting for his whole little life. My strong little man finally attains his goal today. Now onto the next year ahead...but before we jump forward I wanted to celebrate this last year. The year was full of aches and pains and struggles but also the sweetest of victories with his spirit. He envelops God's strength and victory against hard battles. I love him so much and stand proudly as his mom. He is my "wild at heart" little guy. I love you so Buddy. Happy birthday!