"Am I Four Yet?"

He asks each day, as if it's the one thing he has been waiting for his whole little life. My strong little man finally attains his goal today. Now onto the next year ahead...but before we jump forward I wanted to celebrate this last year. The year was full of aches and pains and struggles but also the sweetest of victories with his spirit. He envelops God's strength and victory against hard battles. I love him so much and stand proudly as his mom. He is my "wild at heart" little guy. I love you so Buddy. Happy birthday!

His Mercies are New

Finally, the sun's warmth melts away the snow. Today's beginning was new. The morning seemed more open to opportunities. The cloud of desperation, lifted. How symbolic the weather today! As my daughter sat perched up on our porch singing, "Hallelujah! The sun is out. The day is sooooo beautiful." My heart sang with joy, too. I always find it ironic that when we have the lowest of lows moments, God connects us with the simplest joys. Though my heart is still tender. I have joy. One of the biggest things to help me see hope yesterday and today...people. The people who know my heart, who know our difficult life situation who reached out. Who prayed.  Thank you. Thank you for the comments, the emails, the phone calls with long time friends. The encouragement of my family (especially my mom and dad.)  Most of all, I thank my sweet sister, Brea. and Drew, for listening to His call yesterday...I don't even think she was aware of yesterday's sorrows...but she came. And her man came. They came together with peace and joy and light heartedness. And the precious love of young love, which knows not the challenges of life in full bloom yet but are strong and ready. I appreciate her. Both of them. Their real hearts. Their passion. Their love and profound seeking after Him.

I think what I take out of this is that, whether we realize it or not, we are a character in someone else's story. Maybe it's a one-liner or maybe it's an earth shattering chapter. But WE have a role. We are made to LOVE. The world does not revolve around me. But others! I forget this daily. HOURLY. So often I say, "What am I getting out of this?" When the real question is, "Why am I here for this person? This study? This training? What can I do for THIS person?" Oh, so convicted. Yet, humbled.

I appreciate you all that said they like my raw-ness. I feel there is far too much fake-ness and surface level-ness in our world. And by being real, I only hope it makes you see I am only me who is in Christ. That is it. I am so glad there is hope. So glad that when I am down and out, it is Him, through Him and through His Love that I am drawn out of my sorrows and onto the mountain top of hope.

Endurance

Spirits down. Heavy burdened. Trying desperately to see the blessing in the trial. But it hit swiftly this morning. As my two year old proudly took his glass cup to the sink and threw it into the glass piled dishes in the sink, glass shrapnels fall on the floor, in the sink, on the counter...on little toes. Just like that, in an instant. It represented so much. I have lost. My world of staying strong in this LONG journey of trials collapsed. Tears strolled down my face. I feel the endurance in me fade away. I want to give up. I want to sit my butt on this floor and not do one more thing. So many people have commented, "How do we do it? Your attitude has really been amazing through all this." Until now...I am a sad case today. Emotions so near to the surface. I am normally one to not worry about tomorrow and usually trust in Him. But today, I am raw. I question, "What are you doing, Lord?" And it wasn't all because of a broken dish...but it hit deep in my soul.

Remarkably, we made it to my sweet Bible Study today with all four kids in tow. I am sure they think I have fallen off my rocker. The oldest taking on much more responsibility than she needed, it breaks my heart. But what do I do, when I, the mother, am having a tantrum? The whole morning, I hold back tears. Was I just containing it for so long? Or am I just NOW at the place of brokenness where only He can lift me up?

It is quiet now. Back at home. Sleep whispering in each boys' ears right now...and in turn, whispering peace in mine. I opened up an intriguing book I am reading by Derek Prince and read this:

But we are warned that we must "let patience (endurance) have its perfect work" (James 1:4). In other words, we must continue to endure until God's purpose has been fully worked out and He brings the trial to an end. 

Very seldom does God tell us in advance, "This challenge will last six months." So it may happen that after five and a half months a person will say, "I can't take any more of this; I give up!" 

How sad! Another fifteen days of enduring and God's purpose would have been accomplished. Yet now such a person will have to undergo another challenge, designed to deal with the same character defect. In fact, God will not withdraw His tests and chastening until His purpose has been accomplished. 

With these pungent words stinging my flesh now, I wonder what all this means. What is the meaning of these trials? Have we endured long enough? Or have we failed? I would love your thoughts if you have a moment...thank you.

Taking Him Out, Drawing Me In

Tomorrow he was supposed to go back to school. My little man. But he won't be returning to his little preschool this season. Not that they did anything wrong. But I chose to listen to that whisper that kept reappearing no matter how many times I would push it away. Have you ever had a thing where He whispered over and over to you and you thought, I think you meant that for someone else, God? Don't you know me, God? I challenge the "stay-at-home" role as it is! I struggle against being "that" mom who gets lost in her children and then ponders after they leave, "Uh...who am I?" I have serious issues with this due to my childhood...but that's another blog. My point is...that I listened. And I acted. I moved. Despite my weird insecurities, my knowledge of myself who is spacey and hard to pin down to do anything organized for more than three days, I am chosing to follow Him in this adventure of homeschooling my boys. So, here we go...and I feel more at peace than ever being here. Being mommy.

Goodnight Moon (A Tribute)

Goodnight Moon (A Tribute)
In the great tan room
There was an old cell phone
And a half inflated basketball
And a picture of three boys jumping to the moon
And there were three little boys not staying in their beds
And two shredded books
And a pair of monkeys made of socks
And a clothes pile
And a bucket full of blocks
And camelbaks and diapers and a mysterious bowl full of...well, mush. 
And a super tired mommy who was yelling, "hush!"
Goodnight room
Goodnight phone

Goodnight to my boys jumping to the moon
Goodnight boys
Goodnight sock monkeys
Goodnight clothes pile
Goodnight blocks
Goodnight camelbaks
Goodnight diapers
Goodnight mush
Goodnight EVERYBODY
And goodnight to the mama who whispers, "Hussshhhhhh...." 

Thankful for Miracles

I thought, how could I write about such great things Our Great Physician is doing in such a small box called "status" on Facebook. It has been a month now. I have mulled and chewed and continue to do so. My little American brain cannot fully grasp what happened. Only my Savior and through my Savior could do so. I have wanted to blog about it. Write it all out, but even if I tried to speak of it, I made spaghetti of my words. So I just sat with it. I still feel like I need to sit with it more, but I also wanted to give Him glory on this Thanksgiving Day.

Most of you know the issues with health my family has had over the past four or five years. Out of the love of Josh's parents, we were given a gift to see their special naturopath. You know me, I love naturopathy, as this is what I want to do! But I did not expect this. Not only were we able to see her, she and her husband drove down from Castle Rock to be with us for a whole day. They have these amazing gifts that God has given them. The gift of discernment, the gift of healing, the gift of intercession...now, if you aren't a Christian I am sure this sounds so out there. IT IS! But God is even more out there!  Ha, anyway...they came and immersed themselves in our family. Counseled and prayed with us. God rocked my socks off. Our socks off. Let me give you a few examples of what Christ did through our time together: He released us from things we were holding on to which then in turn healed us from physical ailments: celiac (YEP! You read that right), my egg intolerance, my monthly rash is almost completely healed!, Sawyer's breathing issues, his hives, Emerson's low immunity, Ryker's behavioral issues, etc.

Now, not to say we are not still fighting a battle each day, we are! Oh more than ever! But to know Jesus the way the people who suffered in the New Testament did is the biggest blessing. He gave us miracles! MULTIPLE! How can you argue with that? It all points back to Jesus. Him who had the power to go to hell in my place for my sins, rose back up to Heaven in VICTORY.  I know some of you do not believe what I believe. And this may seem so wacky. Some of you may even believe what I believe and STILL may think it is out there. That's okay. I just hope it makes you think.

And for those of you curious about what we do each day for eating: we still are cautious about what we eat. Our food is less than perfect in our world, so we still need to be careful. No processed flour. No GMOs. No pasteurized dairy. But our bodies really like sprouted grains, raw dairy, and yummy fruits and veggies. But what is awesome is that my children and I can eat without fear! We have to be smart with what we eat still, but no more chains of fear and physical repercussions. I used to get fever blisters ANY time I was glutened...now, nothing! And my eating eggs would send me in a four hour stomach pain nightmare...today I get to eat scrambled eggs with no pains! I guess really all I can say is Hallelujah. Though the battle still carries on, I am blessed.  Thankful for the power of my God and His Love for our family.

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

The Journey to...Wait.

You know the great history of the Israelites escaping the wrath of the Pharoah? The leave this land of slavery, of constant belittling, no rights to a place unknown. Just following a guy named Moses, who claims he and God are chums. That God actually speaks to them.  I try to think of a modern day example of this and it makes me laugh. In our modern culture of "all is okay!" and "whatever path you take is the right way," it is hard to imagine this scenario without thinking these people were cultish following some crazy guy who talks with God. But they did. They were brave and left. They took a leap of faith and left. And what is fascinating is God took them the long way to the Red Sea. He knew the Israelites would get discouraged and turn around once they encountered their first war right after leaving Egypt. So, God took them around the long way...all the while the Egyptians pissed off that they had fled from slavery.  But BAM! There was the Red Sea. Um, ok, Moses? God? "Why did you lead us to a place where we cannot do anything...there is a body of water before us." What were they to do?

So this is where Josh and I have felt we have stood for many months. In between an army of raging domineering problems and a journey of, "Ok, now what?" This historical story has hit home as I have studied it the past few weeks. What did the Israelites do as they waited? I am sure they questioned Moses non-stop. I am sure some ran and hid in fear. I am sure some fled and left this seemingly foolish idea of escaping. I am sure a lot of them were wondering, "Why did we leave slavery for this? To drown? To be killed by the revengeful Egyptians?" And oh, as a mother, I am sure she clung to her kids ready to fight as hard as she could to save her children from this evil. But I wonder who stayed their ground. Whose faith stood patient. The water before them looked promising. There was hope in the water. Whose hearts quietly waited? Where would you stand? Would you start to question whether leaving was a right choice? Or would you steady yourself knowing God is faithful. He will come through.