Good Morning Starshine!

Angelic Dream

2012-01-30T07:19:00.001-07:00

I was running on a flooded road. My feet splashing against the marshy ground. The rain slipping down my face. I was scared and crying. I felt so alone along this two way street. But I knew I had help coming. I ran as fast as I could to be in just the right spot. And then I felt her. A long whimsical white swing came down from the sky. It was a beautiful creature with lots of layers of white. Not the typical angel I would imagine but she was magnificent. She did have wings, like a theatrical interpretation with white feathers. But it was so much more than that. Smiling bright even in the darkness of the storm I was in. Her dark long wavy hair flowing behind her. She was not wet with rain. She was dry. She swung down to the street and swooped me up and suddenly I awoke.

i feel a change...

2012-01-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

i feel a change comin'. i hope it's coming soon. you know, the kind of gut feeling you get right before you get sick? like, uh oh, i feel it coming on strong. similar to that, i feel something changing. i can't tell what it is. can't tell where we will go. but i know it's coming. i hope we see it. i hope we don't miss it. because i want to hop on that train and ride away. but sometimes the change is just within me.

From the Heart I Ponder These Things

2012-01-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

From the heart I ponder these thingsYour little hands so tiny grasping my handYears later they reach out and thrust your anger towards me It's within those hands I see such loveSuch a cry for an answer, "Will you love me...even when I am ugly?"My reaction screams SURRENDER and ANGERMy soul struggles along with youGritting teeth Yelling impatientlySins arise, both sidesTake away the layers, the hurt, the masculine toughnessA little boy soul waits to hear, "Do you still love me?"Oh, child of mine, you have increased my reliance on Him who made you and me.Perspective eternally. Tangible cross.To answer your sweet soul in the midst of your uncontrolled fits,"Yes, I love you."Please know, Little Man, your hands can hurt or they can love. I pray you see the Hands of Your Maker.They were strong yet gentle.They were masculine yet showed mercy.Grasp His bleeding grace filled hands and see he loves you even in your ugliness. In my ugliness.Surrender your heart to the one who makes it whole. Use those strong hands to love.To stand up for Him. To pray for the weak at heart.Oh, I have faith, Little Buddy, He's got mighty plans for you...just see.His Love has covered you completely. I love you my little man. To the stars. To the moon.

A New Year, A Past Not Forgotten

2012-01-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you how I am looking forward to this year? I think it will be full of opportunities and learning! Continued healing in my body, little children growing and learning, possibilities of a new path for Josh, bonding in marriage...all these things I look forward to and are apart of my personal goals. However, I think we miss the fact that each year we set new goals and forget to see how the past has brought us to this point. I cannot forget how this past year grew me more than ever as a mom, wife, and caretaker of my body. If I do, these new goals mean nothing. So, here's to new beginnings and lessons learned from the past to bring me to this point. Happy New Year! To the year of 2012 and the Lord that wills it to be!

Whew! I can EAT!

2011-11-23T06:22:00.001-07:00

I made it! Made it through the two weeks of starvation...ha, not really. But it was a bit of torture. I think I have a lot of patience. And I have been pretty laid back with my food restrictions so far in life until these last two weeks. I knew it was for the better, but it stretched me mentally. I think the going into hypoglycemic shock did me in. Not to mention the added stress of life's hard balls thrown in the mix. However, I made it. And an added bonus, I figured out a new favorite meal...chicken curry! Oh. My. On top of that, I have a new favorite salad (my old fav was made with thousand island)...olive oil with salt and pepper and lots of veggie goodness. This is a favorite lunch time meal now. I used to be a sandwich girl. And my all time new favorite veggie- SQUASH! Oh dang it is so good sauteed up in the skillet with a little olive oil. So all in all, I pray my tummy has healed in the process. I am weirdly excited to get my final blood draw to see what my chemistry looks like after six months of supplements, dietary fixes, and a whole shift in thinking has done for my body.And now...I am thankful that I am finished with my diet, and I am going to drink some black tea with agave and have some peanut butter with a banana (all of which was FORBIDDEN). Then I am going to eat a seriously yummy Thanksgiving meal in a few days and relish every flavor.

Out Of Babes

2011-11-14T11:59:00.001-07:00

Our life is full of challenges each day. As are yours. Yesterday was a particularly hard day as we realized some difficult things in our life. As we were working through this dilemma that seems insurmountable, my daughter quietly sang in the background as she was coloring, "I just want to THANK YOU LORD! For all the things that I can't see! For all the things you've given me! Trust in the Lord with all your heart." Over and over. How precious. A day later as I don't have my own filter of feelings to sift through, I realize how sweet and how perfectly sung those words were.

Day #5 Killa'

2011-11-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

I am on Day #5 with my grand finale detox to help repair my gut. I have felt this way before about a year ago. Miserable, can't sleep, itching all over. Yes, I have the stupid rash that keeps returning. The blisters in between my toes and heels. The rash makes me feel a little crazy. But I just have to keep thinking it is the toxins releasing themselves, trying to get out of my body. But wow, this just sucks. The first few days I felt fine almost great! And energetic. Today I feel woozy, jittery, adrenal rushed, out of body...strange. All I know is this better work.

The Grand Finale Detox

2011-11-08T05:44:00.000-07:00

Today I am starting up on my final com-BAM! detox. It is called RepairVite, in case you are interested. It is used for people who experience Leaky Gut issues, which start from celiac, IBS, etc. Basically, I get to eat vegetables, fruit, and meat...no rice, beans, nuts, sugar (which is my saving grace normally). I have too thoughts heading into this today: I will have little issues with this since the majority of my life is revolved around what I can and cannot eat. I have learned to say no to foods I couldn't have resisted before. On the other hand, I will miss my sugar, my rice, my beans. In the end, as it heals the lining of my gut, I will be so much better off. I am hopeful it will heal my rashes that occur when I have gluten. When you have leaky gut, when you eat foods it falls through the stomach lining and into the blood stream causing all sorts of fun reactions. My theory is the gluten getting through to my blood stream and then my inflammatory response kicks in and I form my blistering rash. So, Cheers to You while I drink my green tea this morning without agave or honey! PS...if I seem grumpy in the next couple days, I apologize.

Nothing Sweeter

2011-11-07T20:09:00.002-07:00

Nothing sweeter than watching your husband open up the bible and read and search and pray before the day begins...nothing.

Feeling a Nudge

2011-11-02T06:20:00.000-06:00

What would I do without my phone? Without my computer? Without technology to keep me going through the day? That is so sad that I just said, "keep me going through the day." I have such a dependence on the computer. I find myself, admittedly, checking my facebook or texting throughout the day while ignoring a request made from my children. So, I am thinking I may need a break. A break to truly focus on what is most important in my life. The little relationships that surround me big or small. In my drastic measures kind of way, I want to move to a farm so we can be fully sustainable. Fully connected without wires or wifi to keep us close. And teach my own children without the influence of the world slapping me in the face daily and my children. Wouldn't that be beautiful? It would be hard. So hard. But genuine. The connection with those around us would be deep as it takes time to write a letter or connect with someone over tea/coffee. But I don't live in that kind of purist world. I live in this world. Internet, Smartphones, FB, etc. How do I scale back without full force? What is the balance? I pose the question to you, too. Do you find life is more genuine with technology or less so? What would you do without FB for a week? for a month? without email? Would it remove you further from the rest of the world or closer?

2011-10-30T06:04:00.000-06:00

A year ago, we started here...at home...

laboring the two of you out...

and growing together...

and cherishing each other.

Playing together.

With your own personalities...

Happy Birthday Hoops and Yoyo...oh, how perfectly you match your womb-given names. I love you guys more than ever today and am so blessed to call you mine. I could write a novel on how much you have taught me this year alone. I love you both to the moon and stars.

Operation Estes Park...FAIL. (sort of)

2011-10-25T06:06:00.000-06:00

We packed for what seemed like an eternity Thursday through Friday. I guess my hopes and dreams for this trip were misled. I thought, "Oh what sweet time in the mountains with just our little family and some great friends." Little did I know that our great start including a fun stop in Boulder at a cool playground would quickly turn into a nightmare of no sleep. Oh the joys of having such sleep trained children. Basically, our trip was revolved around sleeping. I forgot that Ryker could climb out of a pack-n-play and has a giant self-will that is hard to reign in sometimes. Battling the Ry-man all night to sleep was hard on this mama. And most of Saturday was a result of no sleep Friday. However, it was beautiful. It was memorable. And my main goal was to make a memory in Copeland's heart, and we successfully did just that. Tears in her eyes as we drove back home, she kept telling us, "I want to go back EVERY Saturday." Thank goodness for sweet friends who helped us out Saturday night and really nailed in the "Fall Festivities." All in all, I am glad we did it, but I have learned maybe not for a few more years will it be as fun for everyone. Side note: I guess I look back at our family trips to the beach, New Jersey, wherever road trippin'...and even though I remember someone getting sick or going ot the ER wherever we went, it never ruined my idea of it being fun. I have nothing but great memories.

Revamping Our Lifestyle

2011-10-12T10:49:00.001-06:00

Granola Girl...that was my nickname for awhile. Who knew that I would come back around to embrace that nickname again. And this time with intensity. Many things, as you may know, have occurred this past year that has made me rethink what I see as "good for my family/me." Watching various documentaries like "Food, Inc.," "Forks and Knives," and "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead," I have become more aware of how much we are deceived into thinking a certain way. I feel like a veil has been lifted. So, a few things that have made our family a little bit weirder everyday: we are gluten free, dairy free, and now we have almost rid ourselves of all household cleaners, baby washes, commercial toothpaste (almost). There is so many bad things in those products. It's funny because I knew they had harsh chemicals that were horrible for you, but it never clicked that it would be bad for you after it dried or washed away. My job as a mom of three rambunxious boys and a curious girl is to protect them from harmful things from their environment, right?! So why am I putting things on the places they eat, walk, and play with chemicals?! In place of my previously beloved Comet and Method all purpose cleaner (yep, even that has chemicals that are proven to be cancer causing), I have gotten some good ol' Castile Soap and water. Pure vegetable based goodness. As far as Comet, you can switch it up with baking soda. So many toxins, so overwhelming, but so convicting to protect my family. Hope this spurs you onto investigate a little further into what you are eating, drinking, cleaning, spraying, storing, using. Here's to living up to my ol' nickname from school! Don't worry, I will still shave my legs and armpits. And just so you know, Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap can be used for pretty much anything: toothpaste, all purpose cleaner, shampoo, baby wash :

And just so you know if you are hesitant as I was in washing our clothes in the Castile Soap and baking soda, it is amazing. Our clothes are so soft and smell yummy...with no added detergents. So cool.

"Too Much TV" Day 3

2011-10-12T10:19:00.001-06:00

Copeland's profound epiphany, "I know why we get mad. Because too much tv." Ha. I love her realization because IT'S SO TRUE! The past few days we have stayed strong and not turned on the tube, ipod, or computer games. And we have had a lot of fun (once we get past the whining that they can't watch tv). It helps, too, to have a serious stash of library books. Let me just add on that note, if I can lug my four children to the library, I CAN DO ANYTHING. ha. Even though I am sweating like no other by the time we leave and the employees all look like, "Oh dear heavens, please don't bring that many of your kids in at once next time," I am proud of myself. It's always a feat. So, that is my update for now.

Harmony

2011-10-11T06:02:00.000-06:00

The low notes bellow beneath my soulResonating within meI hear the clarity in the depthThe grudgeThe almost painful notesThe high notes hit me in the right placesThey float above the restFlying oblivious to the tones belowIntenseThey lift me but not without the lowTogether they make the harmonyNot aloneThey need each otherThey are braided together as a perfect matchTo produce a theatrical soundThe sweetnessPerfection in the mix of both the praise and the prayer.Thank you Lord that You give me eyes to see both.

No TV For A WEEK!

2011-10-10T13:06:00.001-06:00

Remember this book? I used to love this book...one of many good stories written by the Berestains. A good moral in each book. I love it. And it is the theme of our week. After a weekend of lots of movies, ipods, and netflix-ing, I decided no television for our kids this week. Mainly, I am doing this to prove to myself that we can survive without the t.v. during the craziness of the mornings and the wildness at dinner time. Not that we ever really watch tv while eating meals but it has become a "babysitter" of sorts. So, we are trying it out this week. It is time to use the ol' imagination and utilize our coloring and reading skills. I have already had some kickback today but that's okay we are still going strong!

The Hardest Thing (I think)...

2011-10-09T13:50:00.002-06:00

People often stop me in grocery stores, or preschool, or wherever and ask me, "How do you do it?" And sometimes it's even with only two of the four kiddos. Ha. Well, like I have said in the past, many things flash through my brain but thankfully never end up coming out of my mouth. Some people actually imply that I have such a blessing, as opposed to, such a burden of four children. I am currently under construction with the whole thinking/knowing/feeling the blessing of them all. I will say the hardest thing is dealing with the needs of five other people, not including myself. That is the hardest moments of my day. When Child 1 wants me to do something like get her dress down from the closet...Child 2 is hungry and thirsty and attempting to pull out every cup we have and pour himself some juice and cereal. Child 3 and 4 sitting in their high chairs waiting, waiting, waiting for their meal to arrive. And on top of that being so hungry myself and my hubby has a question that could have been answered on his own. (sorry babe, just being real here.) It gets old. It gets stressful. It gets tense. And I love that all these things are real everyday needs. No big stressors. However, its like a 1-2 punch from the very get-go in the morning. I know this is life. And I know I will look back one day and say, "Oh, those sweet moments." But wow. I have never been stretched to be so unselfish, so giving, so sacrificial.

Anyway, that's where I am at today. Happy Sunday.

A Wake-Up Story, by Healthy Child Healthy World

2011-10-06T13:57:00.000-06:00

A Wake-Up Story, by Healthy Child Healthy WorldI just get even weirder when I hear about all the toxins in our world. Ugh.

Let Loose, Mama!

2011-10-05T06:05:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I just need a reminder to let loose. Life is too serious. Too busy. Too stressful. I get so caught up in the to-do, go-here, be-there that I lose the moment of beauty with my life. Specifically, I struggle with my kids. I focus on the clock of "don't want to be late." Or "it is nap time, dang it!" ha. This past week my heart has felt the prayers of many of my sweet friends around me. And lightened in heaviness. Life as I know it has been shifted to a humbling, raw, trusting state. So, in the midst, my lips have lost much of their grin behind closed doors with my little ones, and my love. But I feel joy. In the worry, I trust and feel peace now. Life's challenges are still very real but the shifting of attitude has been great. Such seriousness is too serious. Bedtimes are supposed to be sweet and something a little child will always remember. I remember from my childhood, very vividly, the way my mother tickled my back while she sang her made-up version of the "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" who would climb up our back and down into our crack. And my dad's wildly inventive stories about a hundred and one children having to share one bed and the bottom kid yells, "I HAVE TO PEE!" My memories are strong when there was laughing involved. With the change in my heart and realization that life is just too serious, I have had such a fun time with my kids this week being silly. Over and over, I am learning what it is too be a good mom. It's being silly. Laughing with them. Loving the daylights out of them when they are grumpy. It's ignoring the dishes, the laundry, the stinky trash to play cars or Barbie. So, be silly today. You'll find the energy it takes to rev yourself up to let loose is nothing compared to the energy it takes to be grumpy. I am lovin' it. Hopefully, this sweet silly phase will last and if not, you all can call me out on it.

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

2011-09-27T06:03:00.000-06:00

Today I am thirty. Maybe I will act a little flirty. And certainly getting to the "thriving" part of it. Thirty. Thirty years. I am in the same decade as Jesus was when he started his ministry. Now, that makes me feel grown up. It seems everyone else around me realizes stuff around me before I do. The past few months I have heard, "Wow, you ready for 30? You freaking out about it?" And I would respond with "Nah, it's just a number." But yesterday, I received two lovely and funny birthday cards from my dad, who has always sent me multiple birthday cards via snail mail. In the cards he wrote to think back at all that happened the last thirty years...crazy how time flies by. He mentioned my tenth birthday party: the musical skits, loud screaming girls, my best friend Ali and I playing news anchor in front of the video camera. And then fast forward to today.What is happening today? Well, lots of loud screaming boys, a dancing queen beautiful girl, living in a charming old house with beautiful grass, feeling the realities of life's challenges, and I guess my musical taste has thankfully shifted, and I get to be with my best friend, Josh. At thirty years, I realize the depth of Jesus in my life. How ignorant I was in high school thinking following Jesus was just simply either you drank or you didn't. The reality was the depth of my relationship with Jesus was petty. How much more could I have loved if I knew what I do now about His Grace. I have found peace even in the chaos, though sometimes it doesn't always connect. At thirty years, I no longer look at magazine covers (just like the movie) and think wow, if I could look like them, but I think I am beautifully made. I am a woman who gave birth to four children. Naturally, and three at home. Life is so much bigger than me. I have purpose here. I realize I am unique despite my efforts to try to be the same or try to be different. I realize, too, I am not alone in all of this. It is His strength...through family, friends, creation, words of the heart. I know the effects of falling in love at first sight and realizing the process of true love with Josh everyday. I have learned that the one who is in charge of making me healthy, is me. I am the best advocate. Not a doctor, not a magazine, or article. I have learned to be assertive after many years of my dad trying to instill it in me. Little did he know, it was through my pregnancies that kicked the assertive tone into high gear, many years later. So much I've learned. And so much more to learn. God's goodness. I stand on my thirtieth birthday humbled, vulnerable, and raw as my character has been slowly revealed. I can relate to Paul who said rejoice in the suffering because it is here that my faith is strengthened. So, yes, 30 is a big number. And I am thankful that God has numbered my days to this day and to who knows how many more. But I am blessed. So, hopefully, when I turn 60, I can look back and see how petty I am now and realize how much cooler I am at 60 than at 30. Happy Birthday to my mother who birthed me...this is her day to celebrate, too. And to my dad for driving like "a bat out of hell" to get to the hospital and to my brother who named me Kristin.

Best Status

2011-09-22T05:45:00.002-06:00

Read this recently as a status and have frequently looked over it...and felt empowered.Be the kind of man/woman that when you wake up in the morning Satan says, "Oh #%$&$%, _________ is awake."

Emerson Jack

2011-09-17T22:12:00.001-06:00

Beauty in the Art

2011-09-16T15:00:00.001-06:00

The Unhealthy Truth plus a give-away

2011-09-06T06:53:00.000-06:00

The Unhealthy Truth plus a give-away

There's Something About Mary

2011-08-31T05:40:00.001-06:00

I finally did it. After four years of hearing it over and over again. I put my to-do list down. My motive was more of "Oh my goodness what the heck is wrong with you two?!" "I will do anything for you guys to stop fighting." So, I stopped doing my normal morning chores of cleaning dishes, putting away breakfast tornadoes and just walked my grumpy attitude to the middle of the living room floor in hopes that if I played with them they would stop hitting each other. On top of my frustration motivation, I also had a thought in the earlier moments that morning about where would Jesus be right now. He would be right there playing with my Little Tank and Sweet Pea. He would be laughing and enjoying every bit of the pretend world of My Little Pony and Cars.
So there I was sitting there with my four year old and two year old playing Rapunzel with three My Little Ponies. And I loved it. I loved how my Sweet Girl was so precise on reenacting the movie of "Tangled." And I loved that Little Tank just wanted to destroy and knock down the other ponies. He did try for a minute to go along with his big sis' plans but the man in him got the better of him. We played so many different games and toys and built and destroyed. I enjoyed my children. So many times I have enjoyed them. But not like this. I was there in the moment with them. Actively participating in their world. I like it there. Worries of cleanliness seemed so petty. We continued on with our day with a picnic to the park. Two happy older kidlets proudly ate their lunch together with peace. Then they played together on the playground. What peace. I am so blessed. We are blessed the most, I believe, when we just stop and be in the moment. Don't miss those moments of just being there. Forget the dishes, the to-do list, the bills (ha)...and just be with your children. A friend told me yesterday after my fun day, "You know, they won't remember your house being clean. But they will always remember how you got down and played with them." Ahhh...refreshing isn't it. I thought so. I loved that even though the house was a disaster, it showed that I did well today as a mom. I had no guilt when Josh came in the door to find toys every which direction, but I was proud of my willingness to just be with our children.
Now, here's the challenge for myself: I must do this continually or I will miss that chance to really be with my kids. God has given me four. So, I better be on my knees right there with them.

Nope, That's Not Poop.

2011-08-30T20:49:00.000-06:00

It's my mercury bath leftovers. If you look hard enough there are two different textures. One is the lumpy clay brown stuff. The other black fine dust metal. All that came out of me. Yes, that is scary. I decided to kick my butt with it tonight since my itchy feet were coming back yet again. But my nutritionist says not to worry. It is just my body doing another round of detox. Ugh. Get it out of me.

Never thought I'd say this...

2011-08-27T14:28:00.001-06:00

But I get nauseas just thinking about coffee these days. No desire to drink it or smell it or make it. It's like a pregnant moment. This is all apart of my body detoxing and healing.

A week before my detoxing began I said to some friends, "Wow, I could never give up my coffee." Seriously, I was so amazingly addicted to it and thought how in the world would I survive without it. My sleep deprived self couldn't fathom a morning without my comfort-in-a-cup. Or my afternoon pick me up drive thru to Starbucks. A week later I started my detox regimen and I slowly started getting sick to my stomach when I poured a cup of joe in the morning. Then slowly I petered off of my addiction and now I don't even miss it. I am so glad I am off of it. I dearly and devotedly gave my heart to Starbucks many years ago and I have claimed it back. So freeing. I am being dramatic, but I am way proud of myself.

Just a quick update on my detox: Things are going okay. I am still dealing with the side affects of detoxing like nausea but I feel overall great. I am not exhausted but actually have more energy. I love/hate that I can feel things now that I am off of Lexapro. It is a blessing to be off but it is hard to feel all the emotions that come up. But I think its a good thing to feel them. I have felt so numb from the world for so long. I probably have one more week on my set of supplements right now then I will go onto more intense detox program. I am excited. The clay baths that I take are just plain crazy. I am tempted to just scoop some out and put some in a jar to see if it does the same thing as it does in the tub with me in it. My skeptic side comes out. But I also know I do feel different afterwards. My body doesn't know how to respond to its new found freedom of mercury. I get sick and oh so thirsty. It is fascinating.

Another thing I am going to do on my own is juicing. Josh and I watched a documentary about juicing last night and were stunned at how simple it seemed. We eat so much crap. We have everything backwards in our brains. One big meat on the plate plus a starch and another carb and maybe a vegetable. Veggies and fruit should be 95% of what we eat. No wonder our bodies are in turmoil. We are obese. We are a sick country. I for one am excited to spur on others to just simply think about what you eat. It WILL affect you. We are such a society of "Well, its available so I will eat it." "Its convenient." How do we/I step out of that and just get the fact that fruits and veggies are in need of being the majority of our plate. Now, don't misunderstand me. I love me a gluten free bun and nice thick burger...its all about moderation. And another great question the man on "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dying" asked that got me thinking, "Who decided we needed three meals a day?" Think about that for awhile.

If your interested in finding out more on juicing go to www.jointhereboot.com

PS...And no, shockingly, I never got a caffeine headache.

Cause a Friend's a Friend Forever

2011-08-26T06:42:00.000-06:00

Cue in good ol' 90's cheesy Christian music

This past month I have watched a bonding between friends blossom and become more aware of each other's needs. I have witnessed sweet connections, prayed earnest prayers for each others souls and for other's children. I have seen Jesus open up doors to each of our hearts in lifehood and motherhood. What a tremendous opportunity to be apart of such a real community. I am blessed.

I decided to end a chapter of my life that was so dear to my heart a few weeks ago and step out of MOPS. For four years, it helped pull me through struggles and heartaches and just plain being a mom. So many life challenges were thrown my way and I was blessed to have such a wonderful group of women who walked beside me. And on the the flip side, my eyes were open to the heartaches and struggles of many women who I would probably have never connected with without MOPS. I loved seeing the women from all over the Springs join together on Thursday morning and talk about children and discipline and funny poop stories and cry over hard stories. It was a priceless time in my life to have that refuge and comraderee.

My heart was sad it was ending, but I knew that this started another chapter in my life. Or rather reopened a chapter that was being slowly written. Each word precisely in its place. A piece of art. It was time to refocus my lens of community. To some old and dear friends. I am so thankful I did. It is cliche but oh so true. When God closes one door, He opens another.
"Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened.""Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." "Love one another. Just as I have loved you." A braid of my friendships.

Roller Coaster

2011-08-23T10:14:00.000-06:00

Cliche-ism...I am on a roller coaster ride pertaining to my emotions. I feel I cannot trust my emotions. Do you? The feelings follow action, right?! If I just do, my brain and heart will eventually follow suit. One day I feel on top of my game. A great leader of my brood and wife to my husband. The next I feel so inadequate in all areas..."I should pray more. I should do this. I shouldn't do that."
Where do I find the peace in all of these emotions or lack there of? Eucharesteo.

A Clean Bill of Health

2011-08-15T10:10:00.003-06:00

Many months and years have gone by now of my health not being grande. By not being grande, I mean stomach pains unexplained, medically diagnosed with celiac disease, IBS, and milk intolerance (though I never followed the diet for that one). Fatigue every day, depression, anxiety, sickness hitting left and right. Thank the Lord there wasn't anything scary like cancer or a disease that ended horribly. But I still lived with these random medical mysteries: rashes, blisters on my feet that started when I was preggos, fever blisters every where on my face not just the lips, an indention on my ankle that was red and the dermatologist had no clue what it was.
Three weeks ago, I took a step, finally, in the right direction to heal my body through the help of God, friends, and an amazingly gifted dietician, Kelly Callabrese. I wanted to blog about my journey, in case you wanted to know or if you find yourself in a similar boat.
I went into her office spent...physically and emotionally. I started to explain my history of health issues and she listened. Listened. Listened to my hurt. Listened to me explain all these health issues like it was no big deal but she saw through that image and noticed how I ached to be healthy. I showed her my latest break out on my feet...covered in blisters filled with blood and cracked bleeding toes with a rash to cover it. With tears in her eyes, she said with conviction "Honey, you need to get better. We will fix you right up." So, I quickly went to have my blood work done. Not just the typical cholesterol and blood sugar stuff but vitamin deficiencies, brain functions, white blood cell counts...the why of all of this. The conclusion= I have extremely high mercury poisoning. WHAT THE?!
How in the world would I have mercury in my system? Coincidentelly, Kelly wrote an article on mercury in vaccinations during 1990-2000 back in 2001. Well, I pinpointed it to the day. It was the summer before my senior year and I was so excited to be going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic. Needless to say I needed a bundle of shots to be able to go. And in those fabulous shots that I had were amounts of mercury that weren't even approved by the FDA to be in our food, but they ok'd it to be in the vaccinations. hmmmmm?
So, the theory here is the mercury has been living in my system since the day I got those shots. I looked back over my senior year of high school and I was a sickly mess. I had some gnarly sicknesses that year including giardia. The mercury toxins started to break down my body. And so on and so on...
So here we are ten years later and three taxing pregnancies later, my body has had enough. The mercury has started coming out of my feet and has affected my brain. I have felt many of times lately, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!" And now, I have an answer to so many of my questions. And now the journey begins to heal my body. I am on 19 different supplements at this point. Including a cleanse powder that I drink daily and a clay bath that pulls the toxins out (IT IS SO WILD). I am already feeling so much better! There are days when I am nauseas but Kelly says it is my body detoxing. I have a long road ahead. But I am thankful it is in the right direction. I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a highway getting rammed by semi's and cars for so many years. Its time to pick myself up and get in the right vehicle going the right direction. (that was a pitiful metaphor, but hey.)

Music's Powerful Touch

2011-07-23T20:56:00.002-06:00

What is it about music that unleashes the inner workings, the inner emotions of my soul? The hurt, the sweet surrender to purely cherishing love in my life, the fear, the excitement, the gratitude all intertwines itself between the musical notes that surround my ears. Oh sweet relief to surrender to the notes in my heart.

The Weight

2011-07-09T15:49:00.002-06:00

It is heavy upon me. It overwhelms me at times. Most of the time I cruise along...feeling the peace, the calm, the laid back-ness self. But it has caught up to me, the weight of it all. How do I get out of the middle of the oreo cookie. I am mush in the middle. But I want to break apart. Break free of what the typical me looks like. I want to crumble. But how do I separate? I feel it. But I don't move with it.

Piercing

2011-07-02T06:17:00.001-06:00

Somebody's Baby:

She screams
If you're homeless you'd sure
As hell you'd be drunk
Or high or trying to get there
Or begging for junk

When people don't want you
They just throw you money for beer
Her name is November
She went by Autumn or Fall
It was seven long years
Since the Autumn
When all of her nightmares
Grew fingers
And all of her dreams
Grew tears

Chorus:
She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
She's somebody's baby
Somebody's baby girl
She's somebody's baby still

She says
Well if you've never gone it alone
Well then go ahead
You better throw the first stone
You got one lonely stoner
Waiting to bring to her knees
She dreams about heaven
Remembering Hell
As the place that she visits
And knows all to well
Every now and again
When she's hopeful
She brushes her teeth

(Chorus)

Today was her birthday
Strangely enough
When the cops found her body
At the foot of the bluff
The anonymous caller this morning
Tipped off the police
They got her ID
From the dental remains
The same fillings intact
The same nicotine stains
The birth and the death
Were both over
With no one to grieve

(Heard this song on Pandora this morning by Jon Foreman)
wow.

Organic Couponing

2011-06-20T05:56:00.003-06:00

Most of my friends and I are pretty healthy eaters...gluten free chums, organic conscious buyers, earth friendly caretakers, and seekers of saving money. So, how do you coupon on organics/more natural food? Well, here is some ideas to try:

1. Most fruits/veggies are not owned by brand, so you can save money by buying them in season. If you have a natural grocery store that you love, go to their website and most of them either have coupons or their weekly ad.
2. If you go to the farmers market, go towards the end of the day because the farmers are more willing to make good deals.
3. If you and your friends make a joint effort, you could go in on a crop share at a local farm.
4. Check out Mamboo Sprouts online...they have a list of e-coupons or reg. coupons you can print out.
5. Email the company or "like" them on Facebook, if they are owned by a brand (ex: Driscoll's berries)...lots of times they will send you coupons once you start communicating with them.
6. In our King Soopers, there is a "Health Living" magazine just before you walk into the produce section. In that magazine are LOTS of coupons. Some examples of coupons in there this past month were Bob's Red Mill B1G1 and Voskos greek yogurt (which I bought 10 at Sunflower Market and paid nothing because they were on sale for a dollar).

Hope this helps you in your organic couponing...and let me know if you have any tricks, too!

The Story Behind the Coupon

2011-06-16T06:18:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: I am in no way an expert in couponing, but I certainly have a new found passion for it and hope that I can help someone else experience this goodness.

To begin with, let me just say that I very much disliked shopping of any kind before my discovery of using coupons to my advantage. I had used coupons before, but felt like it was cheaper just to buy generic or to buy the other brand. I would just end up tossing my coupons in discouragement thinking it was a ploy on the companies part to get me to "think" I was getting an amazing deal. Also, I was a member of Costco. For so long I loved Costco...I still think the samples and the pizza and the rotisserie chickens are the bomb. However, too many times I walked out of the Bulk Store feeling defeated because I blew my whole grocery budget on one single run to Costco. I had buyers guilt each time. I had a philosophical dilemma in my noggin' every time I went to the big box store. Yes, I have a big family now...but really?! Do I need to spend this much? So, I cancelled the membership and hoped that the simplicity of single items would bring our grocery budget down. And then, I watched "Extreme Couponing" on TLC and got hooked. How did they do that? I wanted to do that. Moms who had eight children were doing it. And fun moms were doing it. And thousands of dollars saved! Oh, I want to do that for my family. So, I researched. I was/am determined to provide for my family in this way. (Side note: my husband finds me sexier than ever because of this...WHO KNEW?!) With the help of some awesome ladies who take WAY more time than I do to research prices/coupons, I have nailed it. So, here is my Coupon 101 that I have learned so far:

1. Get the Sunday paper!!!
2. Don't throw away Wednesday's mail because it has coupons in it.
3. Pick one or two stores you shop at the most. (Mine are Walgreens because it is right up the street and Target)
4. Here's the fun part: You match up what is on sale during the week at your store, then grab a store coupon, and a manufacturer coupon and BAM, you got yourself a deal. Sometimes it can widdle it down to becoming FREE or sometimes it isn't a great deal and you just wait until a better sale. At Walgreens or CVS, you get Register Rewards which are awesome because then you get money back for your next purchase.
5. Dive in...to me, I just had to take a little time to make a coupon binder, look through the store ads, and BAM...I am addicted to couponing.

As far as finding time...well, Josh and I have a priority to put the kids to bed by 7:30...so after I clean up and sit down to watch the boob tube I usually browse the websites for deals, clip coupons, organize. And also, Copeland LOVES helping me by cutting out coupons. She told me the other day, "Mom, when I buy groceries for my family, I am going to use coupons for everything." (Side note: I have let her help me sift through a recycling bin to find inserts). ha. She thought it was so exciting.

Great Coupon Sites I use:
krazycouponlady.com
hip2save.com
coupons.com
smartsource.com
redplum.com

So, that is Coupon 101...I hope that this will inspire some of you! And thanks to Jodi Koontz and Michelle Gutschick for guiding me in the right direction to guilt-free buying.

**Looking back, couponing was apart of my path since college...I think I was a rare student who had a coupon book. ha.

People are Like Houses

2011-06-03T05:32:00.002-06:00

People are like houses:
-old and strong
-old and not very well maintained
-new and with all the latest ease
-new and not sturdy and easily broken
-beautifully ornate and details in the woodwork
-out dated, not taken care of, foreclosed

The house on the outside is our appearance, the first thing people see...and most people only see the outside of who we are. You can look at the outside all you want and study the structure and walk around it's surroundings and get a feeling of what goes on inside the house.
Once you open the door to the home (the heart of a person), you won't know fully what lays inside. You haven't walked through the design of the house or felt the wooden cool floor or musky carpet. You haven't stood and felt the boards creak with unsteadiness or felt the solidness of which the whole structure stands. Until you open the door, you can't see the chaos inside or the beauty of the intricacies.
You can only view the inside of these special places if you are a wanted guest...otherwise the floors quickly get picked up and things get hidden if someone looks like an intruder. We like to hide our junk even further. We are more at ease when a good friend or spouse who knows the inner workings of ourselves comes in through the door. No need to clean up our act or vacuum up our emotions. However, even then as a guest may become a burden...a stay too long...a door opened without permission...we have to be careful not to take for granted this opportunity to be inside this vulnerable spot. It is delicate. We can overstay our welcome.
But then again, the more we are like a house with an open door, the more we connect with others. We have be careful not to let just anyone inside- that's why there are screen doors. :)
So, what kind of home are you? Do you have an open door policy to your heart? Do you have a closed door with the windows drawn? A house that looks perfectly put together only to find the inside is beat up from life's challenges?
I challenge myself today to see others as houses and to see them with care. And without judgement. You never know, the house that looks in shambles on the outside may just be the one built on the strongest foundation and have one amazing story inside their doors.

15 Things That I Constantly Hear...

2011-05-19T13:27:00.001-06:00

I read this on one of the Twin Mom groups on Facebook and thought I would repost it here...cause I think its quite funny.

15. "I could never do it." (Oh really. What would you do? Are you suggesting I put them on the curb with signs around their necks that say, "Free to a good home. My mom can't do it."?)

14. "Do they have different personalities?" (No. They are the same human being divided into two parts.)

13. Said by a stranger, "They're identical, right?" Mom answers, "No. They're fraternal." Stranger response, "They are NOT!" (OK. You're right. I have no idea what I'm talking about. These are not my children. I thought it would be fun to borrow them from a mom down at Baby Gap. It's been more than an hour. I guess I should return them.)

12. "Are they 'paternal' twins?" (Yes. They have a father. There was only one virgin birth.)

11. "Just wait till they're older. It only gets harder." (Thank you. I woke up this morning hoping I'd receive a word of discouragement while pushing a cart of preschoolers down the cereal aisle.)

10. "When one cries, does he wake the other?" (No. Twins cannot hear each other's cries because they all communicate with their special telepathic language only.)

9. From a perfect stranger: "Were they in the same sac?" (Hello. Nice to meet you, too. Will you be sharing your gynecological history with me as well?)

8. "Are they developmentally behind?" (Well, let's see. They're 3 years old and thus far, all their graduate school applications have been denied. We'll get back with you on that.)

7. "How do you do it?" (Haven't you seen the Nike commercials?)

6. Said by a dentist: "I was shocked that they didn't have the same bite patterns." (They are two different human beings, not clones.)

5. "You must be SO busy." (Are you volunteering to clean my house?)

4. Said to a mom of fraternal twins who are different sizes, have different eye color and different face structure: "How do you tell them apart?" (I just look at them.)

3. "What do you do when they both cry at the same time?" (Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I go to Starbucks.)

2. Said to a mom of boy/girl twins: "Are they identical?" (Uh. Not exactly.)

1. Only one comment could be voted No. 1. The choice was clear. Drum roll, please. After a stranger had been informed that the toddler boys were twins, she asked a simple question: "Are they brothers?" (Enough said.)

Let's be honest. People are fascinated with twins. They don't mean to say stupid things. It just happens. It happens to all of us. Saying stupid things is one activity that joins us all together as human beings. Learn to forgive the frailties of others and enjoy the laughs later. Life is a journey. Enjoy the double-stroller roller coaster ride!

UFC...

2011-05-15T20:16:00.002-06:00

My two year old looks like he had a UFC fight right now. The Run Down on injuries the past 48 hours:

1. Porch swing swung back and nailed him right on the eyebrow. A near brush with a busted eyebrow.
2. Jumping on bed bare naked and landed on the base of the headboard...immediate horizontal purple bruise across his bum.
3. Pulling his cousin in a wagon and walked into the handlebars of a bike.
4. Taking a bath this morning he decided to stand up and jump (I am bathing boy #3 outside of the tub in the baby bath)...CRASH...face smashed into the side of tub.
5. Five minutes later he climbed back into tub slipping and smashed his face into the edge of the tub.

So, a black eye, a bruised cheek, a near busted eye brow, a half circle bruise on his temple, and a gnarly bruise on his rear...

HE IS ALL BOY.

I am Becoming...

2011-05-04T14:58:00.000-06:00

I am becoming...

Sleep deprived.
More dependant on coffee than ever.
An expert at multi-tasking.
Unable to do just one thing at a time.
Master of diaper changing and multiple feedings.
More proud each time I hear a stranger say, “My! You have your hands full.”
A Lexapro Billboard.
Stretched like a rubber band ready to snap at any moment.
Less obsessed with facebook.
More cognizant of my weaknesses and His Strengths.
Stronger than I ever thought I could be.
Aware of the power of community.
My children’s advocate.
More assertive.
More aware of what is happening in the world.
More unapologetic for my faith.
Lenient on my physical self.
Less social and more family focused.
More and more okay with the idea of homeschool.
More and more okay with the idea of five-day-a-week school.
A seasoned mother.
More feminine.
Less of a worry wart over how dirty my house gets each day. Sort of.
Anxious for later years with all my children and watching their friendships grow.
Humbled that I continually have to ask for help.
More excited to help others the way they have helped us.
Like my mother as she and I love to giggle...I love to giggle with my daughter.
Aware of what a great teammate I have in this life.
KK, Kris, Mama, Mommy, Babe.
Worried I am losing my sense of who I am.
Mini-van mom while dragging my feet, still.
A daughter of the King.
Molded in the Potter’s hands.
Not my will, but Yours be done.

I got bruises on my knees for you...

2011-04-15T05:52:00.003-06:00

I wasn't running on the path. I was walking. Then I got cramps in all of my being. I felt so thirsty. Then I fell. There on the ground. My strength was gone. My tongue dry. Discouraged. Two scrapes upon my knees. My hands revealing my hard hit to the ground. But now the ground felt so comfortable. I didn't have to feel all the things that hurt me. I surrendered to the hard gravel below me. And you came, put your strong hand upon my back gently. Not saying a word. Not taking away the pain. Not letting me stay down there. I knew, just from your hand. I was not made to laid down, but to stand. And run. You helped me up. Tears of understanding in your own eyes. And your own bleeding palms brushing off my boney knees. And your belief in me set my chin back up to face the horizon. Onward we go.

They Started It...

2011-04-12T05:35:00.003-06:00

Our grandparents and generations before were doing "green" way before anyone knew what green was.

My grandmother's fridge was piled with plastic containers that formerly held the product it stated and now donned leftovers. I also remember her in her various aprons. Aprons doing the work of protecting her beautiful clothes from really getting dirty and needing to wash them often. Heck, just tie up that apron and use it hundreds of times before having to wash it. And how about handkerchiefs...my grandpa would take out his little linen and blow his honker-ness right into it. It sounds kind of gross but really it's genius. Instead of using up a million kleenex, just use one handkerchief, and then wash it. It's like a cloth diaper of sorts.

And another "green" thing that isn't original...

Previous generations ate organic without it being labeled "organic." The food has modified so much that now we have a label for the food that was the original product. We pay top dollars for food grown on a farm using natural ingredients.

This whole "Green Campaign" is a little humorous when you think about it. I am sure if our grandparents parents were still living they would just shake their heads at us. And in our modern day profound grammar, say, "Duh!"

What's on my mind?

2011-04-11T10:31:00.003-06:00

1. Better start reading up on Wild at Heart since most of the peeps in my house are men.
2. Darn it *&*$&%*...my pupps rash (yes, the rash that I got when I was pregnant) has made a return visit. Paging Dr. House!
3. Sawyer...thinking he may have asthma since he is still wheezing.
4. Praying Josh gets a dream job he applied for...will keep you posted.
5. Aspirations to repaint/redesign some fixins' in our house.
6. Should I dabble in some summer homeschooling?
7. Parks and Rec softball or the Y
8. Why are the twins sleeping not so good at night...still.

MOPS identity

2011-04-01T06:54:00.003-06:00

It has been just about one week since I decided to take a hiatus from my well loved passion, MOPS. No, not the thing you push around on the floor hoping to get the floors clean. But MOPS...the greatest organization for moms all over the world. I do have to say the MOPS I attend(ed) is the greatest one ever. Apparently, to those who have been to other MOPS, it is the MOPS on crack. ha.
Since Copeland was just a wee little one (I think 10 months or so), I have gotten up Thursday mornings with an excited attitude that I get to have uninterrupted adult conversation for the next few hours. MOPS has been such a huge part of my life for most of my motherhood. After a year of experiencing MOPS, I joined the ministry team because I got to hang out even more with women who were in the same boat, or just passed that bridge of potty training, poop changing, throw up cleanin', etc. And we always had a good time. Somehow, we talked about sex,too, quite a bit, which always made it fun. ha. For a good part of the last four years, my Tuesdays and Thursdays have been MOPS. So, this week as I am taking on this mothering of four deal with gusto and have put on hold my passion for MOPS for the rest of this season I am faced with a little identity crisis. Who am I? I was so much MOPS! My world outside of my home was basically for MOPS. Wow. I feel for moms who feel stuck inside and feel like their world is so narrow. Although MOPS felt a little like a part time job, I can't imagine switching from a full time career to being a stay at home mom. What an identity switch! I don't really have anything whopping to say other than these feelings. But I just pray my mind stays focused on my identity in my Creator. He is captivated by me. Even in my messy hair, workout pants wearin', no makeup, glasses state...in fact, I picture Him most captivated when I am the most selfless. I must sit with that.

Under Construction

2011-03-29T09:15:00.002-06:00

I am excited to be working on my Life's Mission Statement...everyone needs one! What is your purpose? What is your inner calling? Your vocation? Who are you? How did God make you? Uniquely You? I would love to hear yours if you have one.

The Joy Peace Brings

2011-03-28T11:47:00.002-06:00

I did it. Took a deep breath. Listened. Swallowed a humbling fact. My arms are too wild to focus on one thing well. So, I took a deep breath, relaxed, opened my eyes to what is important...now. This season = family focus. This is where I am. My efforts. My time. My energy will be here. Within this family. My ministry. Fretting over getting out the door is no longer an issue. Destress. Although my heart is sad over the community I will miss, I am at peace. And when mama is at peace...well you know the rest. Sigh.

Being Pushed to the Limit Part 2

2011-03-26T20:49:00.002-06:00

I don't know if you all remember my moment of breakdown when I was pregnant, but I sure do. Clear as day. Well, here is the Breakdown Part 2. This winter has been a doozey to say the least. With bouts of RSV (twice), other cold sicknesses, a Hunker Down two week hiatus on life outside the house, another sickness of the stomach bug, Crying It Out week, a glimmer of hope of sleeping through the night, then this...Emerson getting some sort of weird screaming/fussing/not sleeping spell that involved a trip to the ER because of blood streaks in his spit up. And now, Sawyer's turn. Screaming in the midst of Ryker's room trying to sleep. It is now 9 p.m., and they both are fighting sleeping. Oh Lordy. I give up. I feel like I have given up. And I know who is my strength. But this is hard. I mean, damn it. Can't we just get better from here? I know I should be thankful for all the blessings. Our kids are all, in the grand scheme of things, healthy and living and among us....but wow. I am so sick of this. Just as we think we get the knack of schedules, sleeping, or Emerson not spitting up. Then BAM, no sleep, Emerson spits up everything or blood, or someone gets sick again. Really. I just want normalcy again. We were warned that the first year of twins is always the hardest. But I don't think anyone could have prepared us for this. In all honesty, this makes me want to just not do anything but focus all my time on my kids, their schedule, their eating...how do I have time for anything else? I am frustrated, angry, tired, exhausted...and if anyone says to me tomorrow, "Yea, I am tired," so help me not to punch them.

Warmth

2011-03-17T15:26:00.003-06:00

Who needs a gym membership when you can make toddlers' laugh hysterically while you run around trying to pull 70+ lbs around.

Simplicity Has Revealed Its Purpose

2011-03-03T13:49:00.002-07:00

Day four of my two weeks at home with no childwatch or "to-do's" to get us here and there throughout the day and I have to say it has opened my heart to really purely enjoying motherhood. In the throws of this crappy sickness stuff that seems to have a good grip on all of us, I am experiencing joy and thankfulness to be home. Each day we send off Copeland to preschool with no stress of having to get somewhere else within five minutes of her leaving the house. We simply are there. At home. With nothing pressing except feeding and training babies and loving on Ryker for the morning. Every day has been amazing in the morning...even with the twins protesting in the background of nap schedules. It has been beautiful outside so Ryker and I have just sat outside and played all morning. We have dug in the dirt, rescued "people" with our rescue truck, sat in the back of the parked loaned truck and pretended to go off roading, played soccer, played football...And when the twins have woken up from their much needed rest we all sit outside and eat a snack. Then we transition inside...Ry ends up playing in the kitchen sink (my secret to thoroughly washing his hands) while I make lunches. Then we go outside in the front yard this time and wait for Copey to return home from her school adventures. Ry couldn't be more excited for his big sis to come back home and read him books before nap time. And then the morning ends...a sweet and precious morning. Despite the illnesses, I am filled with joy as I have truly enjoyed my kids. This is what I was made to do. This is my purpose. It is awesome to feel in the thick of what I am made for. To be honest, I think this is one of the first times in motherhood since Copey was born that I honestly feel this way. This statement is funny for many reasons...of course, I have felt like this is what I am supposed to do. But really, really, really it has hit me. I am probably at my 2nd weakest, psychologically, in my life and I can truly say I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

PS...Last night I went to Target, by myself, and must have seen four families with four year olds...each one cracked me up. They were asking their parents questions like, "Does God make you die?" and running from an army father who looked like he just got back from deployment. And still in my heart, I yearned to kiss and hang with my Copey.

Hunkerin' Down

2011-02-27T13:18:00.003-07:00

February is almost over. One more day. Every year we struggle through it. Despite it's most known characteristic of the Month of Love (Josh and I know that first hand) it has a very common denominator attached to it in our family- sickness. We have been bombarded with cold/flu/rsv this year. I am amazed at God's strength in all of this...it is weary. And taxing. And along with the sicknesses, we are trying to help our little guys sleep through the night. Can I just tell you that this is an extremely hard thing to do while they are sick?! Like last night, we had Sawyer downstairs, removed from our room so we could try to get rest but his pathetic hoarse stuffy voice eventually got me out of bed and I slept on the couch with him. It is so hard to know how or what to do. On the one hand, he is so spoiled with just eating every couple of hours (I know he doesn't really need it)...so I want to let him cry it out cause I need sleep and he needs sleep for our sanity. The other part of it is this, every child needs to be comforted by their parent/usually mom when they are sick. I feel I would be pretty heartless if I didn't pick him up while he is hacking/snorting/coughing and having trouble sleeping.

For example, this was my night last night (my pity party):

11:00 Got home from a much needed girls night out despite not feeling too good
12:15 Sawyer wakes up, we try paci
12:37 I nurse Sawyer and feel like poo.
12:57 Emerson wakes up, Josh goes and makes a bottle
2:15 Emerson wakes up again I try rocking him and he finally falls back asleep in my arms in bed and I can't sleep because I am so stuffy
2:30 Sawyer wakes up, Josh puts him downstairs to cry it out
3:15 I can't take hearing him cry so pathetically and I go downstairs to soothe him, nurse him and we fall asleep on the couch
5:00 Sawyer wakes up wanting to nurse again
7:00 Copey comes downstairs cheerful and ready to eat breakfast

All this to say, I am sick of us all being sick. It is hard enough to function with one non-sleeping well infant. But with two non-sleeping well infants + them being sick + Mom and Dad being sick is a lot to take in. So I think I am going to step my game up as a mom the next couple of weeks and just hunker down. No big outings interrupting nap schedules, no childwatch's to get sick (other than Copey's preschool), and just good ol' cabin fever to just get us into a solid routine.

Wish me luck! And say some prayers whenever you think about it cause I think I may go coo-coo. But I may go even more coo-coo if I don't get to sleep.

Snippit of Us

2011-02-22T14:57:00.004-07:00

God's Picture

2011-02-19T06:45:00.002-07:00

I picked up my hungry crying infant and tried to put him next to my chest. He struggled in frustration. Back and forth his head turned. His fist forcefully going to his mouth. He gets even more frustrated as he doesn't get anything out of it. His back arching and legs kicking at the air. Tears well up as he is so disappointed that he is not getting what he wants. He struggles. Finally he just feels just a bit of what he needs. Me. My milk. And he settles in. He takes a breath and releases all the struggle. And relaxes. He surrenders to what I have for him. Food that will satisfy.

What a great picture of my relationship with Jesus. I struggle and struggle thinking I know what I need only to become disappointed. And once I surrender, I relax, I chill, I find exactly what I need...

Good Night Moon

2011-02-16T19:38:00.003-07:00

A classic children's story book by Margaret Wise Brown

Tonight as I was soaking up my precious good night time with Ryker, I was thinking how special this book is to me. From the first time I read it to my then infant nephew, Jackson, while he sat in my lap to reading it till I memorized the whole thing for baby Copeland to now. My two year old yells for me to come and read him this book and put him to bed. It can be frustrating, especially when there are other needs that need to be met, and no one else BUT ME can put him to bed. But when he snuggles in on my lap after his long rambunctious day and sits still, it melts me. The best part is when we get to the "and the old lady whispering hush." He puts his little finger up to his mouth and whispers, "shhhh..." I love that. I love that he does that AND Copey did it (and probably still would). Precious moments. I will tuck it into my pocket and hold onto it forever.

Wash Your Hands

2011-01-31T07:05:00.002-07:00

When I was sixteen, I am sure I rarely thought about germs. I mean, I wasn't dirty but I rarely ever thought, "Oh, I just sat at a desk that could have been hacked on by some sickie." Now, as a mom, starting with child numero uno, I am paranoid. It is a little unhealthy, I think. I am not OCD. But I am turbo about sanitizer and trying to remember to wash everyone's hands.
It all started when our little Copey was sixteen months old, and she got RSV. RSV is a serious cold and not a good thing for a toddler/baby to have as it swells up the airways making it hard for them to breathe. I took her into the doc because she had had a fever for so long. And I remembered thinking as I was getting her dressed, "Hmm...wonder why her feet are blue?" I was calm and really didn't think anything of it. Well, I should of. As she limp on the doctor's table, the nurse quickly took her pulseox and it was low. I felt so dumb! But I didn't know any of this kind of cold. Immediately, she was prescribed oxygen and antibiotics. What a scary thing. But we survived. Then last year after the normal rounds of stomach bugs and various colds and then the never ending fever, I took Copeland in for a check to see if she had RSV again...nope, just pneumonia. WHAT! Two times I have been blindsided by some illness in my kids. BUT, MANY times I have rushed them to the ER in fear of RSV, pneumonia, or dehydration, or whatever else kind of illness. And have been wrong. I know my mommy instinct is there, and it works well. But then, sometimes I can't distinguish between the mommy instinct and just plain fear. I have prayed about this fear, and I always come to the conclusion of, "Just trust me." If they got sick, it will be okay. If the worst thing happens, it will be okay. (Not that I wouldn't pray my heart out otherwise). It is so hard not to let go though of that false sense of control. I think, well, if I just stayed home in our little bubble we would never get sick. But that is not true. There are so many things that enter into our own home through shoes, groceries, mail, etc. Ew! Gross to think about. However, this is all a cycle of fear that I can get stuck in. I am relieved that there is freedom available to me. I just have to get there. Over and over.

Our Local In-House Artist

2011-01-28T20:22:00.003-07:00

Remember when I was astonished that parents "let" their own children draw on their walls??? Yea, that is funny. That concept of "Yes, you can draw on the walls of the bathtub with the bathtub crayon but you may not color on the other walls of our house" is just so complicated to our two year old's mind. I wonder why.

And by the way, this is the second abstract art he has done in two weeks. Time to just embrace the beauty and just paint a wall with chalk paint and let the kid do his thing.

Boobie vs. Canned

2011-01-27T20:28:00.002-07:00

Ok, so here's the conundrum : Breastfeed or Formula or Both.

I have such a battle everyday in my head over this issue. Why is this such a big deal to me? Well, I will tell you why-

I would love to breastfeed my twin boys everyday until a year because there is so much research done on the benefits of breastfeeding and how it is liquid gold to their little bodies. God made it so that we could produce milk (most moms) to provide the perfect nutrition punch of a drink for our newborns. It is said that it can reduce illnesses and amazingly some say it can make them more intelligent. (don't ask me exactly where my research comes from, i am sleep deprived). it can protect against allergies and diseases. It creates a special bond that only nursing a helpless infant can do. I breastfed Ryker, proudly, for 13 months and I can boast of his brut-ness. I was in awe of his healthiness that God provided through me! It truly is a miracle. This should be enough for me to stay motivated.........right?!

And then there is formula. Formula is an amazing supplement to help babies thrive. It is easier to hand off one of the twins to someone else to help me feed them at the same time. Instead of one screaming while I try to nurse the other, I can simply ask for help to feed and they both will be satisfied at the same time. (There is nothing more gut wrenching as a mom to have to choose which newborn to feed first when they are both screaming). Bonding occurs with both the parents instead of just me. I have seen Copeland survive and be a healthy girl despite not being breastfed for more than a few months. It gave me sanity and the ability to selfishly have "me" time. Every three hours nursing or pumping is just plain hard. And my lack of hormones from nursing should be a motivator in itself.

Some people say to me, "Oh you are too hard on yourself. You have two older kids, too!" As if to give me permission to do formula. But why is it such a big deal to me? What is my fear? Am I realizing the affects of these precious baby boys being my last? I know I feel the mommy guilt more than anything. What if I give up and they get sick? Am I a quitter? Would I give up purely for selfish reasons? Is that a good enough reason to give up?

I guess for now my conclusion is this: I will continue to feed them either one...whichever is convenient. But I am such a black/white person that this will bother me each day I am wishy washy until my mind is made up. I know one day I will look back, as I have on my other children and say, "Wow, why did I make such a fuss about formula vs. breastfeeding?"

Adrenaline Rush

2011-01-26T13:31:00.002-07:00

Everyday is an adrenaline rush. And it is not as though I don't have help. I do. And I am so thankful for it. But there are some things that I just need to do. Like, do the laundry and actually put it away. This is one of my biggest pet peeves- not being able/or feeling like putting the laundry away. See, there is someone sleeping or trying to nap in a room where I need to put the laundry away when I am able to put the laundry away. Laundry away. LAUNDRY AWAY!!! SO MUCH LAUNDRY! I am loco from all this adrenaline.
The realization that we have four kids four years old and under is hitting. I must have been in a newborn baby-moon or something. Or maybe it is because most people think I have it together (HA!) and aren't as out there with wanting to help out. They shouldn't be. It isn't their family! And we can only afford so much of hired help. All this to say is that I just want someone to give me a shot of peace amidst my trying to juggle four little peoples' needs on top of the daily duties of the house. I am working on letting go of the silly things like unloading the dishwasher and obviously the laundry being put away...or at least I am trying to. But there comes a point where I just want to say, "BUCK UP, Kristin!" But I can't. Ugh. Hard mental day for me. Reality of four is hard to swallow. And I can't get ahead of myself but I have to. I have to preplan EVERYTHING. And I am glad I am like that after all...underneath my procrastinating college self. But sometimes, I just want to throw the towel in and say, "REALLY God?! ME?!" This is so hard. Not hard in the sense that something horrible has happened but hard in the sense that this is stretching me/challenging me every minute of the day. It's like running a marathon and being stuck on mile 20 for a really long time.
Anyway, this was my moment to step away from craziness while it is quiet for...(insert a small amount of time).

Who i am.

2011-01-19T06:17:00.002-07:00

29 years. To some, it is just a smidgen' of life. To others, a LOT of life. Close to 30. Or just a young chickie (as my Pepaw would say. In my 29th year, soul searching has lingered quietly yet noticeably within me. Who am I? And not just the Quarter Life Crisis kind of question, "Who am I?" But who am I, REALLY? Beneath the social part of me, beneath the close friendships part of me, beneath the marriage part of me, beneath the when I am all alone part of me...the core of me. The deepest most untouched yet most influential part of me. This is a scary and real place. One that beckons me to meet. One that hauntingly is always there beneath every action.

See Right Through

2011-01-14T14:17:00.004-07:00

He lays helpless on the receiving blanket. Spit up dripping down his puffy cheek. Legs kicking quietly. Skin so soft yet a little dry from this Colorado weather. His eyes catch me. They reach far into my spirit. I have rarely felt this naked emotionally and spiritually. He sees me. This precious little one, sees me. He has a gift. I claim it now. Not even three months old and his gift shines through. I get to be this little boy's mama! He is wise already. His eyes pierce through me. And not just me. Anyone he gazes upon. There is something there. Inquisitive little one. I wonder what life will bring him. Will he be a writer? a philosopher? a poet? a psychologist? who knows. But I know those eyes will be branded on my heart forever. I love you, my sweet Emerson.

"A great soul will be strong to live as well as think." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dearest Friend

2011-01-02T06:59:00.003-07:00

Today one of my dearest friends is coming to visit for a few days. She is one of those friends who sees right to the core of me. Have you ever had a friend like that? I pray that you do. I bet it is a rare finding. But she is my "Raw Friend." When I hear the verse about a cord of three strands isn't easily broken, I think of her. I am always wondering if she knows how much I cherish her friendship. We live hundreds of miles away now, and our lives are busy and expanded beyond measure from when we first met. But somehow, when we talk on the phone (on those rare moments of actually catching each other) or when we get to hangout for those few hours she comes back into town, it is like she never left.

So, yea for a few days to spend with a friend I know God has placed in my life. I get her all to myself. So selfish, I know.

New Year's Goals

2010-12-28T06:41:00.003-07:00

Wear a piece of jewelry every day other than my rings.

Kiss my husband like I mean it each day.

Start up Chadwick Family meetings.

Of course, a fitness goal in my highly unavailable ease to get to the gym life: yoga with my hubby at home three nights a week. So sad for this personal trainer to have such a low goal for now. But lo, it is a goal.

Reignite Josh and I's scheduled date nights.

Make a calendar for a cleaning schedule.

What are some of your goals this upcoming 2011 year?

favorite day of the year

2010-12-28T06:23:00.003-07:00

My most favorite day of the year has always been Christmas Eve. When I was younger and still under my parent's roof, each year we ventured down to my Pepaw's house to celebrate Christmas. For some reason, this tradition was more special to me than Christmas morning (as much fun as that was!) I loved being with my family and inevitably laughing so hard that I'd nearly pee my pants. My brothers were the coolest! My grandpa would fire up the grill with a "special" egg nog in one nubby fingered hand and in the other was the tool to cook the steaks. It was always warm, cozy, and exciting. We loved to be "Santa" and give out the presents that were under his tree. The record player in the room would play Bing Crosby or some other classic. Ah...good times.

Now, as I am now married and live two thousand miles away. My precious family that I married into has filled that void that I still incredibly miss. Even though Pepaw is no longer here on earth and even though I miss my family tremendously as they continue on the "Steak and Special Eggnog" tradition, I am filled by joy on Christmas Eve of family. I realize I am blessed to enjoy and to feel the love of such a unique family as my husbands. Like my bro-in-law said this year, "How is it that I am at my in-laws and I am not counting down the hours until we leave?"

This year was like every other year at the Chadwick household- a house filled with the smells of homemade ravioli, a kitchen full of helpers pulling/stretching/making the dough for the ravioli's, excited hearts to give away their homemade gifts, people writing out their heart-felt letters to their secret person, many o' children going this way and that with the anticipation of everything Christmas, chaos, and peace. The ravioli's were amazing (I had a gluten free version that was pretty darn good), and the homemade gifts were priceless. Each year, I have to fight myself to live within the moment of such a special, vulnerable, heartfelt time of gift giving. It is intense. Not up my alley. But it is so beautiful and there is nothing like it. We sit in a circle and start from youngest to oldest. The youngest sits in the middle on the floor and whoever has him goes and sits next to him. A letter is given to each person from their gift maker and read aloud by the receiver. Of course, there are tears and laughter and pride exuded for their brother/sister/mom/dad. It is a special experience. In a nutshell, this is why Christmas Eve is the most treasured day for me. So deep and intricately put together.

I will post another blog on my gift later...just wait- it is AWESOME!

Being Stretched Like a Rubber Band Hurts

2010-12-04T06:34:00.002-07:00

The Past Two Weeks:

Urinary Tract Infection Battle #1

Mastititis

Urinary Tract Infection Battle #2 (these three things battled while Ryker battled the stomach bug from hell and Copey sounds like she developed the Black Lung)

Stomach Bug enters me.

Stomach Bug enters Josh.

Stomach Bug enters Copey (thankfully not as bad as Ryker or me).

The DREADED, STUPID, NO-GOOD FOR NOTHIN', PSYCHOTIC-MAKING, CRAZY-ITCHING RASH is back on my feet!!!

(But while I am typing this I have a little joy that I will focus on...Copey awoke and walked out of her room singing, "Rise and shine and give God the Glory, Glory")

New Routines

2010-11-19T07:02:00.003-07:00

Some New Theories/Routines We Got Goin' On 'Round Here:

Carry a tumbler of coffee around all morning. (yes, I am drinking coffee and nursing- you try feeding two babies in the night and trying to wake up to a toddler and four year old). ha.

*Try to get dressed and ready BEFORE kidlets arise. *keyword

TV is okay for a LOT of the day.

Play worship music on Pandora, not kid music, to get my heart refocused during the day.

Accept help from people who offer.

Preplan as much as I can and then be okay with going with the flow.

Get ready for bed by 7:20, fall asleep on couch by 8:30, then make myself wake up an hour later to go to bed and nurse babies.

Dreadin' to Put on My Big Girl Panties

2010-11-10T11:17:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow the world stops turning. No seriously. The pit in my stomach will have reached highest of levels since I was a child standing crying my eyes out as my parents drove away at camp. "Please don't go! Don't leave me here!" Very dramatic. My mom leaves to go back home to GA tomorrow. Then it is just me as the mom. No double mommin' it anymore. I have to hike up those big girl panties way up high and face this thing head on. "I AM A MOTHER OF FOUR!" Granted, we have soooooooooo much help. My sweet husband has given me hope by taking off a few more days as we transition back into our own world. And my sweet mom-in-law is taking off a day next week to come and help. And of course, the many friends who have helped with making yummy meals. (I don't EVEN want to think about having to cook dinners again). Wow. We are blessed. And yet, the fear of it all is overwhelming. I guess (this has been my latest self-revelation) I am fearful of losing all control. I see it when I start to lose it with Copey or Ry- I get more and more frustrated with myself. Like this morning, I tried to get ready all by myself to prepare myself for the upcoming days. So this was my morning-
Woke up too late to even start feeding Hoops and Yoyo before Copey and Ry awoke. I walked around making breakfast while attaching Hoops and Yoyo on my breast trying to relax and please each child. It actually went pretty smooth. After breakfast, the usual morning battle with Copey began of getting ready for school. The usual Destructo Ry was in full force pulling things down off the counter and smearing his leftover banana on the couch. Then, both babies started crying. I needed to get dressed because Copey wanted mommy to take her to school today. So, there I was trying to get dressed with two screamin' babies, one toddler obsessed with turning on/off the light of the bathroom and flushing the toilet over and over and over and a four year old who constantly argues/debates whatever I ask her to do. It was a little glimpse into the very near future. My eyes swelled up as I got mad at my toddler and yelled at my sweet girl just trying to find her independence through it all and frustrated at my sweet babies. So, new plan- wake up BEFORE all the children wake up (at least the older ones) and nurse and get myself ready. This morning dug in deep to my feeling of loss of control. I may not REALLY be in control if I wake up earlier but at least it will make me feel a little bit more on top of the game.
So, tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try to acknowledge my sense of sadness and fear and then.... SUCK IT UP, BIG GIRL. God is faithful and always there. He will not leave me. He does not give me more than I can handle. He is my Constant. On this, I stand.

Hoops and Yoyo Home Birth Story

2010-10-31T11:00:00.006-06:00

In the greatest moment of darkness, God heard my prayer and truly gave me strength. After writing my last blog, I had a renewed mind and strength. I literally was mentally letting myself be okay with Hoops and Yoyo not coming for another week or two. Little did I know, I only had two more days. Thursday morning I went to my lovely MOPS group, uncomfortable and still pregnant. That afternoon, I had a checkup for the twins. The first thing my midwife said was "Wow! You look like you've dropped!" I thought nothing of it since people have been telling me that for weeks now. The appointment was the same ol' same ol' check up. How is the rash? How are you feeling? Anything new? And then she checked me and she said basically all signs were pointing to labor quickly approaching or I was in labor. CRAZY! With the recommendation of some evening primrose oil, I headed straight away to Whole Foods and stocked up and did the duty. Not kidding thirty minutes later, I started having some great contractions. That afternoon they continued on and stayed pretty consistent. I was hesitant that this would be yet another false labor. So, we made plans for a dinner outing to Red Robin. Ha. We got to Red Robin and I was already grouchy and frustrated that I had two other children to take care of in the midst of feeling pretty crummy. Thankfully, Josh was turbo Dad and Grandmommy and her friend, Doc, were helpful with the kids. After we sat down and started eating, I said to Josh, "I can't believe I am at Red Robin right now! I feel miserable!" We quickly ate our food- by the way, I managed to down a nice burger in the mean time and headed straight home to put kids to bed and get this thing started. I finally was getting more and more confident that this was the real deal. We called the midwife and she told me as soon as I thought we were ready to have her come, she would be here. So around 9ish we transferred over to the cottage (my mom's house in the back) and started the real deal of labor. The water tub was filled after a few minor hiccups and into the water I labored. I soon fell sleepy so Josh and I went and laid down on the bed for a nap of 45 minutes. I remember people saying that you could nap while in early labor, but I never fully believed them...and I proved myself wrong! ha. After our power nap, I made the choice it was time to kick this thing! So for about an hour or so I did some squats and standing trying to relieve some pain and to open myself up. My mom and Josh were so sweet trying to get me to visualize the babies. I just kept focusing on Emerson...to think of both of them was a little overwhelming. So, I dug in deep to what I had learned through practicing yoga and used that. I prayed and listen to my mom quoting Scripture. I clung to my husband's full belief in me to do this. After awhile of doing that, my midwife checked me again and she was puzzled by my cervix not fully opening and my urge to push through contractions. I was only 6 cm dialated. Half of my cervix was not cooperating, so she tried to help it along while I was contracting but my body was going into protection mode and pulling Emerson back up. So, my midwife left us alone to go get a drink of water. In that short period of time (about 10 mintues), I started demanding where my midwife had disappeared to. I needed to push and NOW! My mom went and got her and she came in and checked me and BAM! my first bag of waters burst everywhere and I was 10 cm. It was 3 a.m. ish...Then Johnny Cash's song, "Ring of Fire" came into my head (seriously, it did and I laughed to myself). About four pushes later at 3:14 a.m., out came Emerson Jack with the cord wrapped around him but quickly relieved of that and placed on my tummy. He immediately started peeing, which was quite humorous. He was so precious and pink! And it was so relieving. But I knew there was more to do so I couldn't really focus on Emerson too much. I held onto him with a gentle squeeze as I mentally was preparing for another birth. Sawyer's heart rate dropped so low that my midwife knew we needed him out immediately. With the next contraction, she reached up broke the bag of waters, pushed the cord behind Sawyer's head, and down came Sawyer. At 3:17 a.m, Sawyer Luke made his debut into this world. I cannot tell you how amazing it was to have those two boys lay on my chest all cheesy and bloody and healthy and beautiful. It was so surreal. Still is. But wow, they are miraculous and just precious. The love that I feel for them, my husband, my mom, and my other kidlets was/is so strong because of that moment. After awhile of embracing them and getting used to the idea that they were indeed out, we measured them. Emerson was 5lbs. 8oz. and Sawyer 5lbs. 9 oz. Healthy boys! Morning quickly approached as we continued to get to know our uniquely made little boys and we all went to sleep. I wouldn't have changed one single thing! And I am so thankful for the protection and ease and peace of the homebirth and introduction into this world the boys had.

Complete Realness in the Midst of Brokeness

2010-10-27T06:14:00.000-06:00

Week 38 day 3:

In every way, I am weak. Never have I felt this low physically and mentally. My sleep is little because of itching and racing thoughts and anxieties. My body looks like I have some disgusting disease lurking right underneath my skin. I am ashamed to show any part of my skin. I am uncomfortable when I do. The itch is psychotic. And in the midst, I feel two little boys squished in my belly and preventing me from walking normal. Emotionally, I am a roller coaster of weepiness and exhaustion. And of excitement and anticipation. Yesterday was a classic example of the roller coaster. I awoke with such a peace within me about when they were coming. Life goes on. Things other than this are going on. And they will come when they need to come. Women I love dearly encouraged me throughout the morning saying "you are so strong!" and "you should be so proud to have carried the twins this long!" and "you truly are amazing." But the day rolled on and as soon as my husband walked in the door, the tears came. The raw-ness of brokenness, of weakness, of exhaustion, of being stretched came to a head and I broke down in full sobs on his shoulder. I want to scream at God and say, "SERIOUSLY! I am done! You have already stretched me further than I ever thought! Why are you letting this linger?!!" My sweet husband just let me cry and prayed over me. And tried to encourage me with these words, "You are strong, My Love!" But that was it... I AM NOT! This isn't me! I have no idea, other than His Strength, that I am doing this. I don't want to be the "strong one" anymore.
I have tried to be rational with myself and saying things like, "Kristin, you should be so thankful you have those babies in there! Safe and sound." Or, "Look around you at all the heartaches that are true heartaches like friends who are losing loved ones or are experiencing heartaches that are much more serious." And it works and I do feel so much compassion for those who are in constant physical pain for their entire lives. But I am human, and begin to focus on "me" again. Even as I write this I am thinking to myself, "Wow, I am so self-absorbed right now!"

So bare with me, friends and family. I am at my weakest. My most raw point I have experienced. And who knows what the next couple of months will be like with sleepless nights and two infants and two toddlers and life rolling on, but it will be different than this. The verses that keep rolling back into my head for encouragement are these:

James 1: 2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

35 1/2 weeks

2010-10-01T15:10:00.000-06:00

To say the least, this week I have hit the "miserable" mark. I have physically never felt so weary in my life. Not at all. Not even while I was in early labor with Copeland or Ryker. In fact, I would much rather hike up the incline 9 months preggos (like I did with Copeland, and yes, I am bragging) with one kid in my uterus than just carry two in my womb at 9 months. My hips no longer feel like they are "breaking" but are broken. For instance, every time I have to get up from sitting down, it takes me a good ten steps to feel sort of in control of my legs. The recent pain is the constant tightness in my lower belly and upper hips.

BUT...

With all of this, I am excited and anxiously awaiting each little baby. I am so overjoyed with the thought that I get two! precious boys to hold. In a not-so-normal Kristin way, I really want to buy them a matching outfit for right after they are born to embrace their "twin-ness."

Hope all is well with everyone...

First Day of Preschool...again

2010-09-08T10:52:00.000-06:00

We had a funny morning. Quite different than last years attempt at preschool. Copeland awoke with the excitement similar to Christmas morning. She quickly ate her breakfast then told me, "Mom, I'm gonna go get dressed, ok?" She picked out a pretty cute First Day of School outfit. I was impressed! And was ready to go an hour before we needed to even think about leaving. We walked to school and waited for the doors to open. Her Spiderman lunchbox proudly displayed waiting to be put in her cubby. She jumped right in and seriously, she said to me in a sweet voice, "Mom, can you go now, please?" ha.

So here we go. I am watching my daughter grow up and become even more independent than ever. I couldn't be more proud. I am excited for this season for many reasons- her growth, her excitement for learning, her character developing as she is surrounded by a diverse community...so much! And it also marks a new chapter for me- a time home with just Ry (for a while anyway) and then it will be time home with just the boys. I am thankful for the one on one time for us, but a little part of me misses my little buddy Copey, too.

Even the sparrow...

2010-09-04T06:15:00.000-06:00

"Even the sparrow has found a home;
And a swallow a nest for herself.
Where she may lay her young-
Even our altars O Lord of hosts, My King and My God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
They will still be praising You." (psalm 84:3-4)

Labor Day weekend. What I have been jokingly calling the "Real Labor Day Weekend." It began last night with Dad C., Mom C., Doug, Nate, Adam, Desiree...the abundance of God's care over our family. I feel very humbled and a little awkward with all this help. Today many of our friends are sacrificing their holiday weekend to come and help build the cottage in the back. They are sacrificing their time with their own families, passing on the resting from a hard week of work to come and help us. Wow. Can you say humility? What did we do to deserve this? Absolutely nothing. That is the point, I think, that God is making in our life. When I sat down this morning to pray over this weekend, God hit me with the fact that this is a perfect example of community. When we are in need, whether its watching each other kids or you know, building a house!, we stick together. It takes a village.
(I apologize if this is all over the place)...But I am just in awe of Him who provides each day and through friends and family. So, to those of you who have and are supporting us thank you. I understand each sacrifice you have made and may God bless your hands and families, as well.

Tired

2010-08-30T07:01:00.000-06:00

Hi Friends...
Well this is week 31 for us! It is so hard to believe that we are already here...craziness. We just keep pluggin' along. I am grateful that we had our month long excursion to GA this summer so it made the second trimester fly by. Now, as day goes by I feel more and more like I am having twins. I am bigger now than I ever was with Copey or Ry-man. And Ry was my big dude.
Last night, we had our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) kick off dinner for the ministry team. One of my friends there who is about a week behind me in her pregnancy and I chatted and commiserated together with our ailments. We both came to the conclusion that we are just tired of complaining. For me, I just can't be positive no matter how hard I try. I am miserable in my physical body changes. I feel bad because I want to be upbeat and positive when people ask, "How are you doing??" But I am honest and say, "I am ready to be done. This is heavy." And then to top it off- in all their precious and sweet hearts they say, "Well you are soooo tiny for twins." ha. It is everything in me to not lift up my shirt and show them the dreaded torpedo belly that I was scared of a month ago. I want to hand them over the bowling ball that sits on my pelvic bones and makes my hips feel like they will give out. ANYWAY...enough ranting about that because honestly, you can't win with my pathetic heart right now. ha. I honestly drive myself crazy with my attitude at the moment. Also, I am SO VERY GRATEFUL that God has given me this opportunity to have two miracles in my womb. It is just hard. And I want to be real. It has been no picnic. Nothing dramatic or horrible but just that everyday zap of energy and aches and ....see there I go again. STOP!
Ok, so onto today's declaration: Be focused on the today of what I can do and appreciate. So, off to do all the Mom stuff, wife stuff, interior decorating the twins room, organizational challenges on how to fit everything, entertaining, feeding, etc.

4 nights alone is too much...

2010-08-27T06:37:00.000-06:00

Now, for those of you who are military families/husband's who travel a lot, I apologize for my weakness. I am so amazed that you guys do this so much and with honor and courage. For me, I have had two weeks this August of basically no husband at home due to his work...HE IS A TEACHER PEOPLE! And one more next month for another training. Not that it is his fault. I am glad he is having fun this week in one of my most favorite towns in Colorado, Buena Vista, with all his students and co-workers.

Last night was the last straw...let's just say that four night's in a row of reading pregnancy stories, researching twin pregnancy statistics, blogs on twins, scanning "to-do" lists for preparations for twins, absorbing horror labor stories, etc. has not been good for me. I have no self-control when it comes to googling about twin pregnancy. I am thoroughly fascinated by it. I tell myself that I want to be prepared as much as possible...which is mostly true. But then, what does it do? It keeps me up for much of the night. On top of that, I have had some serious Braxton Hicks the last few days. When you are alone this much at night, your mind makes you a little psycho. (And I should mention, no t.v.) So, in my frustrated state last night @ 3 a.m., I made a promise to myself- no more researching twin pregnancy info, no more pregnancy books, and onto other things. For crying out loud, there are other things going on in the world that have nothing to do with my twin pregnancy. EGO-CENTRIC-LAND DISAPPEAR. I will trust that my body will do what God has designed it to do. I seriously couldn't possibly fill my head with new information...I have heard/read every symptom explained in numerous ways- medically, naturally, humorously, seriously, obsessively....

So, I am onto reading bigger and better things in my quiet times at night. Which is funny in itself- I would much rather be nesting in the nursery and folding little outfits, blankets, etc. But my exhaustion of two heavy babies in my overstretched tummy and two VERY ACTIVE children who push my body each day gets the better of me. The couch and a good read win each night.

So, here's to you on this "morn" (as Copey likes to say)...to newfound freedom in just letting these next ten weeks and the world of twindom be as what may.

seriously?! (the longest blog i have ever written)

2010-08-23T12:54:00.000-06:00

Ever since Josh and I found out about getting pregnant, we have been reminded over and over how much God's hand is in all of this. First, it all started with the positive pregnancy test. Half of the shock was from a recent conversation with Josh about our family plan. We were done with pregnancies and ready to just take a break and possibly just adopt if we wanted to in the future. So, of course, my first thought was, "God, seriously? You think I can handle another baby?" (ha). The other half of the shock as I looked at the pregnancy test was "how did that happen if we were 'protected?" Either way, the positive was a positive and my emotions were haywire to say the least. I anxiously awaited Josh's arrival from work. I dreaded telling the man who already had so much on his plate that yes, we were indeed having another baby. First reality of God's peace and hand in this was when I told Josh, he reacted calmly and peacefully and ready to take on whatever God's plan was for our family. I was shocked. And maybe you have to know my husband, but he is a very calculated man so this made no sense to me.
The next surprise came with the first appointment to check my pregnancy status. The ultrasound pulled up ready to tell me I was already 9 weeks along. I sure was feeling awful! And I was really nervous about the appointment for some reason. Our midwife started to giggle and say, "Well, everything looks great. And everything is going well. The reason you feel so horrible is there are two in there." WHAT?!

(Long silence and shock)

What?!

(Long silence and shock and nervous giggle and relief of knowing there was a reason I was so sick)

And, oh man, how will I tell Josh...

There I was having my own little freak out, "Seriously God?! Me? I can barely handle two!"

But my faith was weak and still on the fringe of learning about trusting completely in Him for strength. I fretted at the thought of telling Josh again. I think this time it was more that I feared the reality of it. 2 more kids! 2 more babies to go through at least three months of no sleep. Not my forte. There were so many questions that instantly ran through my mind. Where would we all fit in our new home? What about our car? It isn't big enough for all of us. What about financially? AH! My head was spinning as I heard our midwife mumble some words of encouragement but I wasn't listening. I left her office and wasn't planning on telling Josh till later. I figured I almost passed out so I wouldn't want him to pass out in the middle of teaching a class. But, my sweet husband called me as soon as I was in the car, and there God was again. I told him "They both looked great." His reaction was sort of like mine except he just started laughing hysterically. And then he said, "Well, obviously God is in this thing. And we are gonna push through, my love."

Wow. What a response!

Here is another "Seriously, Lord?" My many questions of how were we going to do it piled up and piled up. But just as quickly as they piled up they were taken away. I immediately prayed over all the minor and major details of the pregnancy and the twins and how our whole world would change. I prayed specifically one night about the car situation. The next day my dad calls with an idea that Gail (his wife) came up with...they wanted give us their van. WHAT?! Yep. I couldn't even believe it!

Another question, would we have to move? Our house only has three bedrooms and let alone no heat upstairs. Our two kids survived the past winter with little space heaters to make it through the night. Well, almost immediately my perspective changed on what a normal family would do...no, we wouldn't move. Plenty of families share rooms. Now, I am not saying that we will stay here for decades but it will work for the next few years. And so the provisions roll on:

One day we came home from a bbq and found a like new crib sitting on our porch.

One day at church a sweet lady with twins approached us after hearing our news and said, "I'd love to help out in anyway I can. I can give you all their baby stuff if they are girls. And if not, car seats or whatever you need. I am here."

At a women's retreat, I immediately met two women who were mothers of twins who invited me to a Moms of Multiples Group in the Springs.

My great aunt, who has prayed for me since I was in my mother's tummy, gave us a double stroller after hearing the news.

My husband's job promotes him (twice).

And many more...but this one just moved Josh and I to tears last night. We were at a friend's wedding- which was so much fun! We looked back at the end of the night and pointed out all details that took place for us to meet this special couple and were completely amazed. Long story, I know, and I am trying to be concise. We sat down at a table with two sweet older couples and an old Young Life friend. Turns out one of the couples did YL for 16 years. We knew plenty of the same people. We started talking about this and that...the twin pregnancy (of course), Old Colorado City neighborhood, possibly knowing a couple down the street that they knew, and what they did for their work. The man said, "Oh I work for an energy resource organization that audits old houses for energy efficiency." Josh and I laughed as we explained how we wanted to do that to our house but its not like financially that was an option. And then this man, Howard, says, "Well, maybe you would qualify for some assistance with it." We both laughed and said, "We are living off a teacher's salary." And he said, "Well, then you would most definitely qualify for our team to come in and insulate the walls and put in a new furnace and fix the upstairs non-heat issue...FOR FREE." For free. WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?! For free. Shocked. Humbled. Amazed. Yes, even the question of how would my newborn babies stay warm enough upstairs this winter was answered...He sent us this opportunity to meet the kindest man yesterday who happened to be the executive director of an organization that helps families like us live a more warm, efficient, environmentally friendly life...for free.

I mean, are you in awe like I am?

What are you reading?

2010-08-08T06:56:00.000-06:00

Just curious what is on everyone's list of reads at the moment. Mine is quite eclectic.

The Bible
The New Strong Willed Child
Bringing Up Girls
The Multiple Pregnancy Sourcebook
Twinsense
Strong Women, Soft Hearts

So what is on your list right now? I need a fun book.

Question For You...

2010-07-26T20:23:00.001-06:00

I would love to know how you entertain your children while cooking dinner (other than the boob tube)...

On Top of My Game

2010-07-23T10:02:00.003-06:00

Rarely, and I mean RARELY, do I ever feel on top of my game, but this week I have turned a page in my accomplishment book. I don't know if it is that Copeland has been in VBS every morning or if it was the renewed spirit of keeping my own house after our month long vacation or .... ???? But I have discovered a method to contain my madness of never ending laundry, dishes, cleaning, humdrum.

The Method:
Every night I run the dishwasher...this makes for less dishes to actually wash after dinner...new motto: STICK IT IN THE DISHWASHER.
Every night I run a load of laundry and stick it in the dryer before heading up for bed.
Every morning- unload dishwasher and unload the dryer full of clean clothes.

So far, I have been on top of the dishes and laundry that the effort to do the other chores around the house seems less daunting. Maybe some of you already have a handle on this. Good for you. But for me, I am excited that something has finally clicked for me! It makes me a happier mommy and easier to live with wife.

A Chance to Feel Beautiful

2010-07-19T14:28:00.002-06:00

Over the past few days, God has shown me beauty...in myself. As hard and weird as that is to type that in the risk of sounding prideful, it is true. Through a photo shoot and words spoken from my one true love last night, I feel beautiful.
Check out some photos by a very talented Elizabeth Weitz:
www.elizabethannphotography.org
(if you want to see photos of our shoot go to the Babies and Bellies section)

5 Years Ago Today

2010-06-12T07:21:00.003-06:00

Five years ago today, Josh and I were married in front of one hundred people in a tiny white church in the little town of Morrison, CO. It was such a dreamy beautiful day. And it continues to be beautiful in its own way each day after. I just adore our life and am so thankful for all that God has blessed us with. Love to you, My Love. You are the only hand I ever want to hold.

Opening of My Eyes

2010-06-08T05:56:00.003-06:00

What an honor to hear yesterday's news... "Well, looks like two boys!" Josh and I were in such shock. Really?! Are you sure? Oh yes! We double checked and clearly there were some appendages between the little legs. We were in such amazement as we watched the both of them flip and turn and switch places. It just so fits.

When we talked the other night on the porch swing, I had said, "I just can't imagine Copeland having sisters." Well, now I know why. She will be the only girl. Just like me. Except I was the baby. And she will be the oldest. Definitely a different experience will come of life with three brothers as the oldest than what I experienced, but we will have this unique bond. I told her yesterday that she will be the princess of the family. (And of course, I am the queen.) But how sweet is that. She is all the more special to me. The twirly dresses and dance shows, the pretend tea parties and princess movies, the pretending she is a mommy...all will be desperately cherished as I watch my only daughter grow into a woman.

Seriously, I am speechless that God would chose us to have THREE men to train up and lead to be strong in their faith. We need some strong men in this world, and I am honored to be apart of their lives. I can't imagine all the things they will face, but I know it is my passion to be their prayer warriors and to fight for them everyday of my life. No matter what they do, any of my children, I am forever invested in them and I pray each of their lives are blessed and full of joy and most of all love.

It's a .... and a ....

2010-06-07T13:09:00.000-06:00

BOY AND A BOY!!!! (more later...I am sleepy from my marathon pondering in the middle of the night).

Gender Determination Day

2010-06-07T06:06:00.002-06:00

It is four hours before our midwife appointment and I am anxious (partially because we ran out of Decaf coffee and so I am having regular coffee today). We find out today, if all is positioned right, if the twins are little girls or little boys or one of each. I am thankful for the distraction of having one of my best friends in my life here over the weekend to distract me. It is not like if I think about it more it will change or affect anything; it is just fun to ponder the possibilities. Just think in one swoop we are changing our family dynamics. Last night, my sweet hubby and I enjoyed the summer night air by rocking on our porch swing. We talked for over an hour. I love that he puts up with how I have to analyze things to the very last detail- even before they happen. He is very patient and gracious with me. He entertains my silly thoughts. I thought I would share some of the conversation last night. And years after they have been born and in our life, we can come back to this blog and laugh at some of the fears and thoughts that went on in my brain.

Ok, so my gut is they are boy/girl twins. Same with Josh. I think there is a least one girl because almost immediately I came of with "THE NAME" for a girl...even before I knew they were twins. Josh just thinks they B/G because....that is logical. ha. We discussed my fear of having two girls. Which, in the end, isn't really a fear but more of a nervous that I would be chosen for a mostly girl family. Thankfully, Josh was raised up around three other girls so he knows the ropes. I was saying that I can picture Ryker being the brother to all sisters but I cannot picture Copeland having three sisters. It doesn't sit right in my brain. But God works it allllllll out. Now, if they were three boys...now that would be fun! It would be like growing up for me. Whatever genders God chose for our family- He will give us strength and mercy, just has He has every step of the way. I just wanted to be honest with what I was feeling.

I will keep you posted about Hoops and Yoyo...what do you guys think?

Taking Responsibility

2010-06-01T06:23:00.003-06:00

A common theme of wisdom has knocked on my door lately: Take responsibility for my own life.....really.

Ok, how old am I? Yes, a young 28 years. But not until recently has this really pierced home in my spirit. I look around and see more and more responsibility stacking up with family, a house to take care of, relationships to nurture, mouths to feed healthily, leadership of young lil' minds....

I get a little freaked out. I want to go on autopilot. But where is the living in that? Or I could also just ignore the responsibilities and just pretend like I am taking care of it until one day the ol' principle of "you reap what you sow" will hit me in the face like an unexpected baseball hit as a line drive. I could blame all this lack of responsibility attitude on my generation...the narcissistic "It's wasn't my fault...." Nope. When I don't own up, it is my fault. If my finances look like poo, it is my fault- not the banks, not my parents, not the lack of money...Or if I look back on the past and say, "Man, I wish I did...." Well, the only person to blame is myself. Nothing will change unless it is me who takes responsibility for my piece of the pie.

I read this this morning and it is perfect for what I am learning:
"You have to own your days, every one of them, or else the years go by and not one of them belong to you." Herb Gardner.

So, with each day- whether mundane grocery runs and errand duties or exciting adventures, I have a choice. I can take responsibility and make it what I want to make it. Own it. Live in each day.

Copeland's Rules

2010-05-26T13:54:00.002-06:00

So Josh was counting with Copeland in the car the other day...

J: How old will you be after 3?
C: 4.
J: After that?
C: 5
J: After that?
C: 6
J: After that?
C:7
J: After that?
C:8

(keeps repeating on through 12)

J: After that?
C: 13
J: After that?
C: (Deep inhale in....) 14!!!!!!!! Then I can have COFFEEEEE!!!!

My New Diaper Bag? ha.

2010-05-17T07:48:00.001-06:00

http://hoopsandyoyofanstore.com/CatalogImages/Products/448710/448710-enlarged.jpg

The Mother of Inventions

2010-05-11T20:20:00.002-06:00

At the dinner table tonight, I came up with the mother of all inventions...a force field around my body that would repel little people reaching and touching and kicking and feeling and flailing all over me. Imagine this invisible bubble that would surround you at a certain time when you have hit your limit or you just want to eat in peace...I started cracking up at the thought of it. I imagined C trying to lean in and grab me and bouncing way back in amazement and shock. Oh it is so funny. And when R tries to pinch your arms and squish his food on your forearm, his arm would fly up and the food would land on his head. Too funny.

Hard Day (but maybe the rest of the day will go better)

2010-05-10T13:56:00.002-06:00

Woke up feeling pretty good.
Ate Oatmeal.
Threw up oatmeal.
Watched my son get clobbered by a disassembled crib leaning up against the wall that fell over on top of him.
Sassy daughter...which really means she is just tired.
Grumpy son...which really means he needs naps.
No food in the house.
*We did successfully make it to Whole Foods and Sunflower Market with no dramatic interupption other than C falling and scraping her knee.
Went to two stores and came home with no dinner plans even though I spent $80.
Ate a gigantic Boars Head pickle the way home.
Got home wanted to puke again.
Made a flop of mac and cheese in a box for the kids.
Felt like I was going to puke after making my lunch, tuna.
Got poked in the nose by R's extremely sharp fingernails.
Started spotting...again.
And it has only been half the day.

Now...I will make myself take a nap, eat an apple with peanut butter, and try to drink water in between dreaming so I can hit my gallon a day goal.

Bill Goes the Distance

2010-05-06T13:21:00.001-06:00

Bill Goes the Distance

Check out my dad's story on his doctor's website...pretty neat!

Hot Pink High Top Converse

2010-05-05T16:04:00.002-06:00

Those little legs are sporting some of the coolest shoes I have ever known when I was little...hot pink high top Converse. I remember specifically stopping at the Outlet malls on the way to St. George Island, Fl and all my brothers and I got a new pair of Converse. I picked hot pink. Yes, I, picked hot pink. I thought they were the coolest things ever. I remember the distinct smell.

So today, Grandmommy spoiled Copeland with some brand new Converse...I don't know who is more excited Mommy or Copey.

God's Plan

2010-05-02T14:10:00.002-06:00

Today Josh and I went to church to watch good ol' Andy Stanley on the giant screen of a high school, and we were both hit with this Truth.

God uses our weakness as His GREATEST OPPORTUNITY.

Could that be any more specific to our situation!?! Wow. The movie reel of my life spun quickly and I saw each weakness and how God has to be in each of them. Like Paul, he had to be humbled or else he would be one prideful dude bringing Christianity about- he spread Christianity more than Jesus himself. But he had an affliction, a weakness that God did not take away. God chose to be silent. But what if he had made it easy on Paul? Would he have been such a pivotal witness and crusader? Would his letters be read still?
For me personally, I am confronted with my own lack of confidence in myself as a mother. I feel so weak in this area due to the clutter in my home, the lack of food prepared, the short temper, the annoyed attitude and not always nurturing spirit ...WHAT? God? Uh...remember, I am not good at this thing. I have two already and feel overwhelmed with if I am going to feed them the right things, discipline them correctly, lead them to independence without too many issues. Oh, and remember I get easily stressed out.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I am comforted that God is using this weakness as His greatest opportunity. It's not about me. (I forget that a lot). He is faithful even when He is silent or says no but He always gives us grace and mercy that is perfectly fit for each situation. What I mean by Him saying no to us was when we asked if this was all our family needed to contain...and He said, "Nope." But I do think its kind of cute that He knew I probably would not want to be pregnant again..so maybe that is why He gave me two at once.
Ah...comfort in that.

*Side note...I am getting more and more excited about little Hoops and Yoyo! I can't imagine not having twins at this point. But I am still scared (and exhausted) out of my mind when it comes to thinking about the reality of them actually being here.

Hoops and Yoyo/ Tom and Jerry/ The Twins

2010-04-14T14:39:00.002-06:00

How ironic after the last post to find out we are having twins! After processing now for almost a week, it still is very surreal. My reaction can only be gratitude, awe, and wow.

Friends Words

2010-04-02T07:05:00.003-06:00

One of the things that comes with motherhood is acceptance that life changes. After running into a sweet friend at the store yesterday, I became enlightened by a profound statement she had made about motherhood. She said, "You know, I have accepted that THIS is my ministry right now. My children. And I am okay with that." I love her willingness to be changed. To put things on hold without grumbling. I love that. And even though she has given into whatever the ebb and flow of motherhood/wifehood shall be she is still the same beautiful funny woman I knew pre-kids. She has not lost who she is...she has become more beautiful. She has courage.

Another friend of mine is my hero. We all have our flaws. Our ups and downs of our personality and moods. But this friend of mine is always willing to just love on kids. Her words I try to remind myself to live by are, "Everyday is a party." How could you not have fun at her house! And she does have fun- dress up, bubbles, crafts! Wow!

Another one of my closest friends is a willing passionate relationship centered woman. She challenges me each time we hang out to think of others first. She even exudes it in her parenting. She encourages her son to share, even his most treasured toy or last piece of food. Whatever it is...she is always willing.

Another one of my closest friends inspires me how close she is to Jesus. You know those people that each time you talk with them, you fill lifted up and sunshiney. She is one of them. My prayer warrior friend. I continuously learn from her. And she challenges me in the unseen aspect of my role as a mom and wife.

I have so many many amazing friends who all have a host of things they share and bring forth and challenge me. I am so thankful. This is so cliche but really, there is not enough time to type out all my friends unique gifts and my love for them. Most of these comments are so selfish, but in honesty, they each have poured into my life tremendously...without even knowing it.

Big News and all the stuff that comes with...

2010-03-23T20:19:00.003-06:00

BIG NEWS!

I am preggos. Most of you know that we are having #3 by now, but I figured I would announce it to the world. Not sure how far along I am at this point...8 weeks, I think. We will find out in a couple of weeks when I head back to the midwife that delivered my son.

To say the least, I was shocked. The only reason I even took a test was because I felt super moody. And sure enough WHAM! the pee stick shocked me with the positive sign. I literally was shell shocked. I didn't even know where to begin with emotions. My mind was so fixated on two kids and working towards my own personal fitness goals and marriage goals. And this threw me on my butt. I feel in the last week as the morning sickness has taken a turn for the worse (more on this later) my fitness inspiration has gone out the window. I have no desire to go spinning or workout or let alone teach anyone else. My motivation for work because of exhaustion and overwhelming-ness of life has simmered to nothing. And my marriage...well...I love my husband more than ever. I don't understand how he sticks with me. The day I found out I was pregnant I told him within ten minutes of him being home and his first response was for me and how he knew this is not what I was thinking. He just smiled and said, "Kristin, this is a blessing! Think of how many people out there try and try." So true. He gave me a new perspective...and an sense of peace. After all, if he, the bread winner is okay with this new addition...there is peace.

Not only has he been so welcoming to the new little baby in my tummy but so sensitive to my spirit. I don't even think he knows what he is doing. Right now on top of all the hormonal changes and morning sickness, I keep getting "attacked" by my "thorns"...fever blisters. Yet, he still loves me just the same. I feel so ugly. So repulsive in the physical and the mental. Here is an example of how awful I feel:

Woke up feeling awful like I could actually puke (which I HATE and have NEVER ONCE thrown up with either previous pregnancies)
Low blood pressure
Couldn't kick it even after yogurt, tea, oatmeal
Lil' man had massive poop explosion calling for a team of two and a bath
After bath nearly fainted
Dry heaved over the toilet
Took shower- didn't help
Finally just laid back down in bed for 30 minutes
...felt a little better but not really

In all of that, Josh stood by helping at every whim and with the kids. He is just in "go" mode...take care of Kristin, take care of the house, take care of the kids while Kristin can't muster up the energy. I am SOOOO incredibly blessed to have such an amazing faithful servant loving husband. He has been my peace in all of this. Where would I be without him?

I know that all the first trimester stuff will be over in a bit...this too shall pass...but man, this is hard. And I am glad I have a husband who gets me.

The Things I Have and Are Learning From My Dad

2010-03-06T06:20:00.003-07:00

First an update on my dad's status:
He went into surgery a couple a weeks ago expecting big things, but nobody realistically thought it would be this good...they found NO EVIDENCE of cancer. So instead of removing lots of organs and rewiring and reconstructing his internals, they just took his bile duct. All in all, it is the best news we could have received. Now, onto recovering after eight months of chemo and losing a bile duct and dealing with a scar that covers his torso from sternum to belly button.

I was processing all the things I have learned and am still learning from my dad and thought it would be fun to write about. So here it is:

1. Be responsible for you. You are the only one you can change or hold accountable or rework or take control of your situation. I remember specifically one time on the way to softball practice around the age of 11 or 12, I forgot my mitt. My dad said, "Kristin, you are old enough to remember your glove. It is your responsibility." I remember my feelings being so hurt (I was a sensitive little girl). I teared up. But you know, it is so true. Even in the little things like remembering to be prepared for a practice or a job or even as a mom is always so important. Lessons still are learned as I forget this and that but I love this lesson and continue to pass this on to my kids. One of my favorite words Copeland says with no flaw is, "RE-SPONSE-A-BILITY." And she digs having responsibility and totally gets it.

2. Face your fears dead on. Look it right in the eye and say, "Screw you. Just watch me!" I love the courage and attitude that my dad has shown in his battle with cancer. He has kicked its frightening butt and thrown the statistics of his specific cancer right out the window. He jumped full speed ahead with no holds back to get rid of those suckers and it worked. During this time, on a whole other level, I kept thinking of "facing my fears" and started to teach "Boot Camp." #1 I despise being up in front. #2 Really, me? ... But I did it. I plunged into the unknown, the uncomfortable and now, this is a new passion and love and outlet for me.

3. You always got a have some silliness in your life. My dad has always been silly...not at every moment but there were times and still are times that he just is plain ol' silly. He makes me laugh and giggle and Copey thinks he is just the most hilarious "Donald Duck Sneezer." For example, he likes to do these random Show Tune-ish dances and songs (which I have now discovered I do for Ryker, except its "Dancing with Myself")...he will do these dances after 3 or 3 cups of coffee, so you can imagine it is pretty darn funny. And when he was here before his surgery, we were in the midst of all the crappy winter sicknesses and he brought in silliness and laughter. Chasing the kids around the house and making them giggle over the smallest things. Laughter. It really is the best medicine.

4. BE HEALTHY and STRONG Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually. What more can I say than he is a perfect example of what taking care of your body does to you. I am proud to call my dad and the grandfather of my kids and 6 other grandkids a marathoner. From a very young age, I watched him leave to go on LONG runs and would try to follow him (but that is another story). I watched him exercise his mind with a plethora of books. I was challenged in high school during SAT season with new "big" words by my dad each day to practice expanding my vocabulary. And even though we don't believe in the same things he has shown me spirituality in his own way. It is all about life experiences and how you choose to let them affect you.

5. Oh, and that I am the original "sweet pea."

Hope you can take away something from my blog today. Have a good weekend.

For All Those Moms Out There in the Thick of It

2010-02-23T20:04:00.003-07:00

After a couple months of good behavior with the occasional typical three/four year old fits in there, Copeland ended it with a BANG tonight. To say the least I was angry, mortified, embarrassed, frustrated, totally overwhelmed. Without going into too much detail to work myself up, I found myself completely at the bottom of the pit...about a mat away from concrete...the complete cold and darkest part of my soul. Too many battles between us and then the last straw...BAM! Full on flailing of arms and legs in the YMCA family locker room, squealing, screaming, refusing to get dressed...Believe me, I tried all the "reasonable" ways to talk with my three year old- got down on one level, talked in a calm voice, gave two choices, counted, etc. Nothing worked to calm her extremely psycho behavior. So I gave her a swat...nothing. two swats...nothing. I had to (seriously, I am not exaggerating) wrestle her into my arms to put her clothes on. Once this wrestling match finally ended, spectators I am sure were on there way to call Child Services. If it was not the place of which I work I would have carried her out buck naked and made her be freezing. It was RIDICULOUS! I could not believe that she would act that way. NEVER have I seen her act soooo completely out of control. It pushed me and literally made me tear up once in the car and tell her how disappointed I was in her. I am still fuming even after dinner and telling her she had no "extras" at bed time and to go straight to bed.

Wow...hopefully that will help you know that you are not alone- whoever has reached this point. I am mortified. And humbled that I would have gotten sooooo completely frustrated. In the morning, I am sure we will have a nice talk about this but till then...my heart is hurt and frustrated and sad.

Delayed Birthday for the Ry man

2010-02-02T19:46:00.003-07:00

A week later we had a sweet little party for Ryker's 1st birthday. What can I say? He ate that cupcake, and he ate it well. Glad that my pops (Grampa Beel) could make it and that we did...finally...have a celebration for my little buddy. He is my joy.

Tipped

2010-02-02T19:14:00.003-07:00

To say the least, these past two weeks have been challenging and character building. Sickness seems to just kick our kids in the booty. Filled with high fevers, snot, coughs from deep within, pneumonia, vaccination fear, physical/mental/emotion shortage, worries, talks with six different doctors, four doctor visits, viruses, and one remaining cold. During these days stuck inside with one or the other or both kids sick, I have tried to embrace this time at home. No places to get to first thing in the morning- just the basic needs- making sure my babies were okay. You would think that in all of this I would have to lose it in some way or another. But no tears. Now, don't get me wrong- there were many times I wanted to cry but it just doesn't come. Hence the reason for the battle on my lips of fever blisters. I hold it in. I don't mean too. Believe me, I wish I could just let it out. So after two weeks of holding everything in- the fear, the frustrations, the exhaustion, the worry, the craziness...

I cried.

But this is how I cried.

Last night was my fifth night teaching my new boot camp fitness class. I was so beat- emotionally. I walked in the room to find the previous class completely packed out. I thought, "Ok, maybe this is a good sign that people will come tonight." The previous class ended and cleaned up the room and I set up for my class. Five minutes roll by. No one. Ten minutes. No one. For the first time in two weeks I feel the tears well up. Now this was a funny internal dialogue- "Ok. Seriously. Now? In the middle of the YMCA?" ha. I sucked it up for five minutes more to clean my stuff up and head back out to my car and call it a night. I got in my car. Shut the door. And cried. FINALLY. Not so much from the disappointment from the class but from everything that went on the past couple of weeks. And it felt so good to be genuinely honest with myself. Though there was much hurt for some other various things and stress I felt relief in the release. Humbled by the night but thankful that it tipped me over the edge to pour out my emotions.

Entertainment During Pnuemonia

2010-01-27T09:23:00.003-07:00

While Copeland has had pnuemonia, she has had a great time. ha. Here are some photos:

My Little Baby Boy

2010-01-27T09:18:00.001-07:00

My little Ry man has turned one! Crazy to believe it has been a year! I am in awe of this wonderful joyous creature. He makes my heart swell up with love. Hears to you little guy!

This Past Weeks Favorite Looks

2010-01-18T14:56:00.002-07:00

Proud Moment as a Mommy

2010-01-10T14:53:00.002-07:00

Yesterday Copeland started her first ballet class at a local gymnastics place. She was sooooo excited. She has been talking about this since before Christmas and how she was going to dance with the Nutcracker "and everything." She walked right into the ballet room to say hi to her teacher (who seemed to be on first impression the typical uptight ballet teacher)...she was ready to go. The teacher told me to leave the room and I could watch from the window. Copeland didn't seem to mind. Shocking. So, I watched through the window as my daughter held her own as more little girls showed up in their cute little leotards and pink tights and ballet shoes. They were told to get their own little carpet square and sit next to the wall. So, they waited until the teacher was ready.

Here comes proud mommy moment:

As they were waiting, Copeland noticed a little girl come into the room. She hopped up and ran and got her a little carpet square to sit on and motioned her over to sit next to her. Now, I must admit, I teared up immediately as I watched my sweet compassionate kind hearted little girl do such a sweet thing. This was such a proud moment and was much needed as I have struggled in my "liking" her lately. My heart flipped over and was desperately proud to call her mine.

Marriage

2010-01-10T14:30:00.003-07:00

Marriage is fun. And marriage is hard. It is work, that is for sure. Last night Josh and I had a much needed date consisting of walking around our neighborhood shops and stopping for a drink and chocolate. We talked for two hours about life and kids and what the future holds. It was amazing. For me, when we go without really talking I lose sight of who we are as a married couple. I lose sight of the teamwork and focus on the individual. It is refreshing to rejoin and to touch base with your life mate. Anyway...marriage- it's good.